tomorrow all our dreams could come true

Introduction

Hi J

Have you heard of chaos?

Have you heard of chaos theory? Yes, me too. Do you know of who wrote a paper on it or envisaged it? Nope? Me neither. I’ve heard of Gaia theory, that was done by Professor Lovelock & he did Daisy World hypothesis too. I know this due to when i was doing a Fine Art degree I used Daisy World stuff in one of my video poems (hyperlink) – and no deeper did i dwell. Also there was that ‘butterfly effect’ thingy where a butterfly could flap its wings in the Northern Hemisphere & due to various ‘chaotic events’ it would result in earthquakes/tsunamis/hurricanes in the Southern Hemisphere. Fucking awesome science!

My life is ordered basically, in the grand scale. Born then i die. Inbetween though chaos reigns! That’s the way my mind works. Didn’t always do so but due to many drugs & fucking up the system, my thoughts exist within the chaos-sphere. Hence – this blog/book/crazyness, is chaotic. Ok?

There you have all you need to know. Goodbye.

If you wanna know whats inbetween my birth & my death – read on. But beware, it’s not always a happy ending. Often it’s negative & its often fucked up & i’m an anarchist within a capitalist system (therefore i’m a loser) & i’m depressed & i’m often drunk & & &....well, i did try & warn you.

Once upon a time…..

Ok, writing this is a bit weird…im not Jordan (a well know celebrity), i’m not famous – never succeeded towards the American dream, I’m not American & I hate the capitalist ethic! So this is an exploration back into my life – back into the eventful experiences that have shaped my life. I’m 46 – 47 later on this year (2012 (48 this year 2013!) (100 in the year 2065...I wish)) and it’s been quite eventful at times, i guess.

New to this, will it ever reach the finality of publication – a book…ohhhh?!!? I doubt it but who knows! Who cares really!? Not me. I live within a reality where facebook, texts, rumour and work are essential facts that re-affirm my existence upon this planet – within social networks. Or all those not-so-much really as it all seems too vague, too anonymous. Punk rock message boards, punk rock and kids, and my partner are my reality….my brain is a bit wired as trying to get my biorhythms back into day time shifts rather than the month of nights I’ve been used to over xmas (its weird trying to be spontaneous & stuff, when I’m updating & re-evaluating & spell checking & adding stuff, yet i’m going to let the spontaneity stand & not change those incongruous bits).

Jeez, God, Satan, Dianna, Aphrodite, Thor, Zeus, Shiva, Om (or Aum)! Etc. so who am I & what am I going on about?????

Hi, my names Yan, or Jan – or shhhhhh Ian is what is on my birth certificate! Though about when I was 13 or 14 my name changed to Yan. How this happened is a story all itself. So welcome to my life…..

CHAPTER ONE

Yan

From before I can remember my family; mom (Dee), dad (John), brothers – Andi (4 years older – nice) & David (5 years older – nasty one [until lawyers edit this out]) – used to drive; in annual raggle-taggle variations of vehicles we’d amassed seemingly just for this experience, from Leeds, West Yorkshire….down thru Calais or to Portsmouth…then we’d catch a ferry (or v occasional hovercraft!)…either thru Calais or Le Havre, and then we’d gravitate towards Crozon in Brittany (or Bretagne). It was a cove in a peninsula – opposite the city of Brest (which I visited briefly in an ill-fated ‘exchange’ during my last year of middle school). North West tip of France; Crozon was a smallish town, almost seemingly twinned with Morgat….as I haven’t visited for probs 2 decades those places are a bit of a blur nowadays – but many many fond memories resound from times spent there.

My mom was a school teacher – so she shared our school holidays – 6 weeks! And my dad was a fire-fighter….so I guess his employer was cool with him taking 6 weeks off! These days – I’m a nurse, getting 3 weeks off together is a real pain, you have to go thru line manager, or modern matron to ‘allow’ you to take this time off….almost prompting you to feel a bit too much ‘stress’ and have 6 months off. Never done it myself but heard many many people talk affectionately about the possibility! Never say never, eh?

Oh yeah, btw if you aint gathered yet – I have a tendency to ramble on a bit, lol. I have chaotic tendencies, butterfly mind, ethereal qualities – friends and acquaintances (Geoff Larwood at Park Lane – Sharon at Dewsburry: are they still alive? On facebook???) have commented upon about me.

If I dwell upon the camping trips later on will reference this later, probs will tbf (to be fair), but for now suffice to say when I was born I was ‘Ian’ yet due to camping in France we were immersed in another culture, different language, different people! One day, possibly when I was about 11 years old we were looking around a seaside town. On display were named mugs – one had the name ‘Yann’ written on it. We all seemed to notice it & remark upon it – how similar to ‘Ian’ it was and from then on – to my immediate family, my nickname was ‘Yan’. Still, I’d often be called Ian at home by parents or siblings, yet equally it’d often be ‘Yan, can you do this?’ or ‘Yan, will you do that?’….

At home it never seemed to matter – yet one day at school, during a new French lesson, with a new French teacher, a new form teacher – it was a whole new year! Ummmmm, must’ve been about 10 or 11 years old – in the middle of my time at Holt Park Middle School. 1^st actual lesson, with the form teacher who was doing our French lesson. She was giving everyone names;…Elizabeth (who I had a crush on) was called Elizabet! Such a lovely name. David, who was a smallish yet cute loveable kid, was named Didier! Nice!, etc etc round the class, in the middle she came to me.

“You’re name is Ian, you’re French name will be ‘Yves’….”

“Ummm excuse me mrs intolerant, my French name is ‘Yan”

“what? Ive named you ‘Yves’ – so Yves is what u will be!”

“I’m sorry miss, but ive been to France and I’m called Yan in France” – big smile to show I was being helpful.

She swooped! She seemed to scream

“YYYYYVVVEEEESSSSS!!!!! You are YYYYYVVVEEEESSSSS!!!!!”

And then she slapped me round the face! The mad fucking teacher bitch slapped me round the face coz I had my own name rather than the one she chose for me! From then on I guess the French resistance resurged underneath the Vichy government – only on a subconscious level though I hasten to add. I was Yves on the surface yet Yan on the underground – lolz. Around this time was when I was found to need glasses to read the black/whiteboard – but that’s another story. The seeds of rebellion were well & truly sowed. Thanks Mrs M????? Whomsoever you were – you seemed nice but you had a nasty vicious side that I realised on my first day! – So that was the English birth of Yan – during a French lesson.

So unofficially my name – at home was Yan, which was and still is cool. When I was about 14 a mate from my high school called at my house, his name was Phil (I may ask my brother Andi for more info on this guy, he was lovely but such a liar!) and he just spent an evening or weekend hanging around listening to records, at my house, or making up tall stories [such as the time he was sitting in the front of his brothers car – when they were in a car smash…both his eyes popped out of their sockets, so he scrabbled around on the floor, found his eyeballs & then popped them back into their sockets – his words!] – can’t remember actually tbh (to be honest). Anyway what I do recall is him hearing me being called ‘Yan’ all the time and the next time at school – Lawnswood High School, he started calling me Yan there – and suffice to say it caught on like wildfire…i was Yan from then on!

Phil & I went to see, at Leeds University, the band Magazine (Howard Devoto’s new band after the Buzzcocks) and their support was Bauhaus. We were totally blown away by Bauhaus who were awesome! All thru Magazine I was sat just outside of the doors on the steps talking to Tom Kincaid’s (R. I. P.) brother? Who was an NME reporter – or so he said, talking how cool London was, etc (me & Phil just wanted to go live in the big city – who doesn’t at 14!) anyroad missed Magazine and by this time Bauhaus were taking their stuff into their van…me & Phil went up to Pete Murphy & said

“Wow, you were so cool, what a fucking awesome band, etc”

Pete Murphy said

“hey d’ya wanna buy our new 12” single ‘bela lugosi’s dead?”

….ummmm it meant me & Phil putting together £2 each so we could buy it, Pete Murphy signed it for us too!

On the 7 mile walk back home (it was our taxi money home ho hum) we decided that we’d share the 12”, Phil would have it for the 1^st few weeks/months & I’d have it for a few after…….needless to say never saw the fucker ever again! Anyone seen it on ebay? – should I mention Phil’s & my ideas on the impending nuclear holocaust and how we would protect our record collections, in subterranean shelters, yet still managing to reach the Mecca of London & finding girlfriends & life would be re-born? maybe later….

The evolution of Yan to Jan (the more eurpoean equivalent) can be charted to one specific incident. Not very exciting, or as volatile as previous school lesson - still the educational theme runs strong.

During 2^nd year of my fine/interactive art degree at Newport, south wales. I was called in to see Martin, for a critical appraisal of my current ‘cultural studies’ essay – I seem to remember it was at the old campus site (Clarence place?) – name escapes me now – some office somewhere, or maybe at the Caerleon campus? Some office basically, think my tutors had by now realized the chaotic nature of my brain patterns & were trying to hone me into an almost ‘beginning-middle-end’ essay writer, so I got quite a bit of support.

Had an interesting discussion about my ideas & areas of future research, and some comments on embellishing current scribblings….blah blah blah. Then I noticed Martin had written his comments to ‘Jan’. I did mention it to him & he said….thats you’re name isn’t it? I said ‘yeah’ and that was when the spelling became Jan J! Auspicious or what!

CHAPTER TWO

3Early days

So I’ve revealed the dark secrets that formed my forename…..my surname, well that too has hidden depths…lol not really. Family name = Shaw. Old English it means a wood, collection of trees. In fact when I was doing an ill-fated PGCE art teaching course (based at Wetherby? lol) I went to a Pudsey school called Crawshaw – which olde English meaning is wood of crows or crow wood. Fascinating huh? I think the Welsh equivalent (without the use of the internet or search engines – I stress to add…just mine own addled brian – er, brain…Cwmbran (an area of or near Newport. South Wales) means crows wood – possibly [yes I will use the internet & various search engines to not make myself look a total wally! At a later time].

Anyway Ian Shaw is what I was given – to welcome the world. By 14 I’d become Yan Shaw. At a later date I became Yan Tree! Funny old world. I’d chosen a name that was European yet also the same as what it was before but still it seemed more punk rock than before….oh have I mentioned punk rock yet? Ha ha ha

Oh gotta go back to the naming chap cuz I just remembered another bit of my story. Laters…. Right, done the Phil bit, he may crop up later….depends how far I peel off my layers of history. Right I’m in a bit of a quandary now coz I don’t really know how to begin this. Yes, ok I’ve done an intro, I’ve done a brief ‘naming’ bit but really where should I start? As I cant actually remember much of my childhood. I guess it was usual & generally happy – may ask my parents & brothers if they have any info & maybe friends too – if they are able to share any info.

So, what can I remember from my childhood?

Nursery?

Not much from here but it may grow!

Apart from me & Christopher Rose & the tricycles or the sandpit. Location, ummmm not much else – apart from we used to pass Jonathon Papes house & Brenda...ummmm those kids ahhhh thats deep dark memory bank places that I don’t ever use.....Ribena is what i used to drink occasionally & save the bottles as we’d get 10p back from each bottle ha ha ha – nonsense i know! (don’t drink Ribena now cuz its probably made by Unilever nowadays – animal abusers)

Vague memories filter through of primary school – Ireland Wood primary school. One such memory is of being in the school football team, as a defender. I remember they chose me as I always used my head. To think about thje state of play & how I could influence it by subtle calls to my taem mates or running up the left or right sides & place a well timed & aimed kick of the ball? Nope, cuz i could use my head to headbutt the other player & get them out of the current state of play. Seriously, think thats thje only reason I was within the team. Ha! We had basically 2 matches – we were that dis-organised, us and another school hada match at each others ground. Basically a home and away match, that was all we did. There was the time when we played the other taem and it was done – hooray or shame.....but then it came to the re-match. Can’t actually remember if I was meant to be in the team or not but I do remember, for some weird reason, I wasn’t in the team. Off they went to play the other school. I was inconsolable, I cried so much! All the friends I had came up to me & asked what was wrong & I told them that it was cuz I wasn’t playing football for our team. Also how I knew deep inside because I wasn’t there that they would lose – i was dead certain of it! Guess what happened, when they returned, they had won the match...ha ha ha ha ha. What a douchebag I was then thinking I was so unique and how i would be the piece of the jigsaw that they missed – yet I so wasn’t. There’s more that I may add later.

Then there are memories of playing with friends from my street – lol sound so working class! Tbf my mom & dad were from staunchly working class backgrounds – they worked themselves & us, into middle class suburbia of local city of Leeds. I don’t know much about their existence upon the planet to be honest. And parents are so very important! So I’m gonna send a text to my mum asking about her life & her family & her upbringing. & the same to my dad! Will get back to my childhood eventually but now feel my parents lives are/were way more important to my current ramblings – I mean who were my grandparents, what did they do – what were their school experiences, they had to live through various explosives times! I’m never going to know am I – because we are/were the poor unheard of peasants without influence or wealth therefore to make the history books aware of our existence upon this planet. Neither, probably are you goping to know about your family history sad to say. I do remember my mum telling me about her father & him suffering with MS (multiple sclerosis)? And even towards the last days of his life he used to get put onto his bike & he’d cycle from home to work, where they’d meet him & take him off his bike safely. A-Maze-Ing!!!! Holy History! I think of my grandfather often, even though he died before I was born, I wish I could have met him before he passed. Its like Matthew, my currently 12 year old son, he was about 6 months old when he met my Grandma. Unfortunately he met her in Leeds General Infirmary hospital, about 3 days before she died. Yet he met her – does it count? Its something to recall from my point of view – even though he’s probably got no memeory of it as a 6 months old child will have discarded many many short term memories.....due to the craving for information to learn information useful for survival – via repetition. Therefore a chance meeting with a dying relative will have been of little merit for a newly forming intellect I surmise.

Man, this is an awesome topic. Do I care if it gets published, no. it’s just a mad wild project that will mean something to me – not caring for anything else. Truly! So, sent the text to my mum – will update as & when possible!

Oh my fucking goddess – just realised that, true ive made many friends in my life but holy evil batman! Ive made a lot of enemies too! Not thru trying tbf just by happenstance methinx. Oh sorry, if you hate me & you read this (as if!) or you read this & then decide you hate me – oh well, such is life & shit. I’ve done many bad fucking evil shit-fucked up bastarding things in my life – many I bitterly regret! Wishing they’d never ever happened but they did & they’ve left an impression on me to the person I am today. No matter how little or slight or how big or huge the good/bad discretion – it’s all made an impression on me. Just to let you know. If you’re one of the people who feel I’ve fucked you over – not that you’ll ever read this – Satan I’m not that egotistic to imagine you will! But in some parallel universe you could – so if you’re in that parallel universe – I’m mega fucking sorry dude! I am/was such a fucking stupid idiot & I regret everything. Really I do! I’ve never ever wanted to cause harm, hurt or suffering to anyone or anything on this planet – universe – cosmological wilderness – we all share! SORRY!

Just gonna shoot to the bad chapter! From what I, personally, can remember!

Deaf

Ok, from the ian pemberton bit from the yan chapter...

Was about 7 or 8

Hell just remembered nursery!

Anyroad, (btw have i mentioned yet that most of the time i write this i’m probably 5 or 10 x way over the legal driving limit in relation to drink-driving...yes, i’m a pisshead! – new chapter? Drugs/alcohol???? Lol)

Ha har de har! Last bit should be in the intro!

Ok, ian P....during one class said to me ‘hey, if you put a pencil into your ear & twist it about it feels real good’

‘does it?’ i asked, innocently, yet mega interested.

So what does he do? Inserts his pencil forcefully into my ear & twizzles it around! Unknowingly he’d inserted it so far into my ear that he’d ruptured my tympanic membrane with the pencil lead...which had ‘disappeared’ from his pencil! Oh, i wonder where that had gone?!?!

Yup I was fucked earwise! Which kinda compounded with my genetic (or so i’ve second guessed) ear problems...which means whenever i get a cold or similar i can now follow the symptoms...chest infection, beat that. Gone to throat infection (sore throat), beat that. Then poorly nose – bunged up – oh oh oh, what a surprise my ears are tingling.....oh my, i have an ear infection...an inner ear infection. You know what tht means right? Half way between your brain – your ears in the middle - & the outside world on the outside...a certain kind of pressure builds up! Thats the start! When i was a kid, it used to take a while to be made aware, nowadays its happening in a speeded up way! This pressure builds up & up! Until it becomes painful. In my minds eye i see the inner ear fluid becoming infected by disease, and the white blood cells try & fight the illness & there’s a battle like Helm’s Deep from lord of the rings, or whatevs. Therefore the pressure builds up by a squillion% the pain & intensity magnifies from the inside of my eardrum/tympanic membrane. Imagine it stretching cuz this battle is ongoing constantly, without rest & there’s more & more casualties & therefore there’s more & more cells thrown in to fight this disease yet there’s no peace cuz my white cells can’t kill it The disease is still alive & growing! The mass of pain intensifies to unbearable levels...this is where i start to moan & cry in low mode (as a child i believe i used to cry & scream ALL night long – without any aid...paracetamol/ibruprofen doesn’t touch it. Nowadays whenever i get a chest infection kinda realise it’ll work its way up my tubes & stuff to do the throat thing & eventually reach me ears & a perforation of the tympanic membrane is inevitable! The only thing that helps fight the infection is antibiotics. But when i tell the doctors this, prior to my easrdrums bursting is – have i tried analgeiacs and how dare i suggest antibiotics whn its their decision abot them, lol. Oh your eardrums look red – in their tympaniscope...oh well, when they do burst at least the inscrutiating pain has then gone, but i’m incredibly deafened for days afterwards).

So as an 8 year old (?) walking to primary school on my own, -it seemed to be a different age then – i ha my Parker coat on, walking down the lane to school, hood up (further to increase my not haering-very-well) and i remember a car or 2 nearly running me over as i crossed a road. Basically cuz i was used to relying on my sense of hearing to haer the approaching vehicle! Wrong!!!! I shoulda used sight but i was still caught up with hearing..which was severely impaired! Luckily for me, my haering difficulty was only temporary.

Wonder if i could call up my medical records fgropm when i was 8? Why? Cuz around then i had grommets surgically implanted into my ears! I recall my grandma being there in the hospital soothing my fears & vaguely remember being told that they would fall out of my ears in my slep....i had many nights where i imagined some crystal glass miniature tubes being deposited onto my pillow! Well, i’m soon to be 48, been in various very loud punk bands & i’m still able to hear stuff – so i do thank my lucky stars! Though my dad was always going on about being deaf too guess that was a fear of huis, & currently he ain’t deaf, so maybe we are not genetically disposed towards it. Yet he left an impression on me. What with my own experience of how potentially life-threatening it could be. When i began as a student nurse – in 1997, i heard of BSL lessons at Cauldon College in stoke or was it when i met mel? Hmmmmmm....

CHAPTER THREE

The Sea Cadets

God what knobish uniforms we dweebs had to wear! A fucking poncy little ‘kiss me quick, squeeze me slow’ white hat (cool bit was the band that said ‘HMS Ark Royal’ – coz Leeds had adopted the aforementioned aircraft carrier). Then a poncy navy blue blouse with wide open neck (all the better to hang us from the sidearm no doubt) and poncy blue flared trousers (flares you wankers!!!!!) though the boots were standard issue hob nails. Fuck & we had to wear this ha ha ha, no wonder the army cadets & the air cadets used to look down on us & beat the crap outta us if ever they found sea cadets lurking in dark corners of Leeds city centre. Think the NCO’s tried to make us do stuff like march & stuff but we were absolutely fucking abysmally wank at all this – left feet the lot!, seriously can’t remember much about this time but the drill we did was terrible though the over-riding stuff i do recall about my sea cadet time was learning about knots. Knots! Who’d’ve thunk knots would be of a viable concern to be taught young lads (there were no females in the sea cadets at this time...this was ummmm 1977? 1978??) but yep we were shown triple bosun knots & quadruple armchairs over-ties, dodecahedron splice the main brace knots...knots in many multitudinal shapes forms, different types of rope, how to tie on, tie off, how to keep a boat from floating away....i think some realisation why we had to learn knots was creeping up on me by this point...etc. oh we may have got to play with the guns too...ho ho ho! But I’ll leave that exciting bit til the Marine Cadets which is coming soon...

Well, my 6 months was up in the sea cadets, so with a fond farewell...ha ha ha as if i couldn’t wait to run to the barracks next door & say ‘please take me!!!! I wanna be a marine’ in my best 11 ½ year old voice. Or something not too dissimilar to that.

The Marine Cadets.

Per mare, per terran – their motto; by sea, by land.

The badge (worn on a beret; black with a red patch underneath for us cadets [ black cuz we ain’t done the assault course, green, if you had done the assault course – only the real Marines seemed to wear these. We were able to wear a lanyard on the right arm i think but can’t remember what you’d have to do to achieve this honour!]) was a globe, surrounded by oak leaves (can’t remember now...google search when I’ve got internet connexion) topped by a crown ‘royal’, with the motto at the bottom? Had many lessons whilst on the ‘base’, in the marine barracks about the history of the marines, their battles, how they won their distinctions & achieved their commando status and so on and so forth. All interesting stuff! Then we’d do lessons on creating the perfect ambush, how we’d deploy troops in which area to capitalize on the enemy & cause them maximum harm. Which grenades to use, which bombs to place, how the traps would be sprung and all that jazz. Loved it all, even better than all that theory of warfaring was the uniform! Green khaki stuff – real soldier clothes! Sometimes even camouflage!!! A specific time i do recall vividly was going to catch the bus (either a 93 or 96) from top of the hill in Tinshill, waiting at the bus stop when a lad a couple of years older than me appeared in said camo gear & black beret...was he a marine or was he regular army cadet??? Can’t seem to get that much thru the brain cells, sorry. Well he was telling me his favourite song & dancing, waiting for the bus – very entertaining, the song which i do know was by Chic – le freak ‘c’est chic, les freak, freak-out!’ disco song thru & thru.

Back to the uniform: green army shirt, rough cotton type material & itchy as buggery! Green woollen army jumper with shoulder patches of cotton. Webbing belt with a weird buckle, maybe a snake type. Green khaki army pants, boots – basic army type 8 holes & had to have a shiney toe bit. Maybe puttees, those weird things between bottom of pant leg to top of boots...i mean why??? These were stained black by many hours of boot polish. Oh yeah belt was black too. That was the bog standard uniform methinks, camo? Hmmm we may’ve been given that occasionally for special ops or whatevs or we could buy it ourselves – not too sure nowadays. Did we have a backpack???? Can’t recall. Also we were given the dress uniform. I used to have a photo of me in dress uniform but truly I ain’t seen that in over 25 years so dunno if it still exists, from poor memory i seem to be an extremely ugly 14 yo lad with gawky glasses & too long hair in a uniform which didn’t really look right. If i eve do find it must scan! Ok, dress uniform. Boots, same as previous – if not the same pair but shined especially shiney!!!, pants kinda very dark blue or black? With a black stripe down the outside seam possibly. Ironed of course. Jacket, a nice uniform jacket with shiney buttons on, maybe epaulettes, maybe not...this is where the red/green lanyard comes into play...the loose end would be fed into one of the 2 breast pockets. Which featured a button – shiny! Shirt underneath? White? Dunno too ,long ago now. Collar, ahh that would be a kinda standy-uppy one, so a crest could be emblazoned onto the front edge of each side – one right one left. Probs the badge or just the oak leaves. Then on top of my unruly haircut was the peaked cap! Top bit was white...by use of toothpaste possibly! Then black band with red patch of cloth with Royal Marine badge centre. With black shiny peak. And there you have it, very smart. ...white gloves! How could i forget!

Wore the dress uniform a few times and it was ok though for day to day stuff basic green khaki uniform was de rigueur. Vaguely recall doing drill in the courtyard underneath the union jack flag on the pole (there was a ritual for this but only trusted cadets got to do this – y’know raising it & taking it down – a bit ritualistic possibly) but yeah marching, we did quite a bit of this and as we weren’t sea cadets & more akin to army we took it a bit more serious & we therefore better at it than our stable mates. Think i kinda liked it the regimented way we tried to do it as a herd & not fuck it up too much & feel pleased when a ‘left turn’ actually did end us up in the left facing direction instead of a few this way & a few the other. Yeah also, mentioned the learning bit...oh yeah the guns! On site, in one of the rooms there was a hole in the ground with a big door on it. Unlocked it provided us with real 100% Lee Enfield 303 rifles! True their firing pins had been taken out so these beauties were not gonna fire anything again. But, holy fucking pacifism batman! Give the war obsessed boy a toy of war & you were transported to pre puberty heaven! We learnt about these guns a bit...not to the extreme of taking one apart & having to put it back together whilst wearing a blindfold, no but just basic stuff like how to hold it whilst walking...sorry, marching. How to hold it whilst presenting arms, which end to point at bad people..that kinda deep nonsense. One time we went on a trip to a real army base within Leeds cuz they had a firing range! We were given a lee enfield rifle but this one was a .22? Something like that..memory is a bit hazy on the details. Though, yup real firing range, yup real gun, yup real ammunition...was it ball bearings???? Anyway also we had a target to shoot at. This time a square piece of card 10cm by 10cm, for example with the classic black concentric cirles. A target to shoot at, so that’s what we did. Probably our NCO said i’d not done too badly – but I wondered if he said that cuz he knew my dad. But thinking about it he was probs being genuine as he seemed on the level at all times. We fired other guns but that came later & somewhere else..but I’ll tell that later & keep it in Leeds for the time being.

Camo gear. Yeah during some lessons we’d be told about camouflage & how to do it. What bits of tree/plant matter to appropriate & where to place it on yer body, hard hat (not that i ever think we wore hard hats just the berets really) but suppose in a warzone hard hats would be the standard. Yeah – this prob relates to the ambush type lessons, it was described to us how we should apply the camo make-up on our faces to deaden the whiteness of our ugly mugs. We’d be given a pot/tube of real army camo black painty stuff & we’d apply it on our faces. Good fun! Were we given camo gear uniform? I seem to think we might have done at some point but i can’t really confirm it maybe my recollections are making it seem like i did just to please me – fairy snuff....I’ll imagine i did but probably just did the manoeuvres in regular khaki uniforms. What manoeuvres you ask? Well I’ll tell you. We’d be given the 303’s and get into groups, then given a task – such as make our way from point A to point B without getting killed or take over point C which is our slab of concrete over the river Aire...which may’ve been guarded by the Sea cadets....we were to do this by working our way up the numerous canals which happened to be in & around the area. Btw, most of this is kinda made up cuz i can’t remember all the details – as said before its all very hazy but often this rambling does throw out a factual element that does resonate & hey, its like a factual-fictional based on fact thingy so I’m ok with it & contrary to what i usually do I’m not even exaggerating this much at all in all honesty i seem to be keeping-it-real, which is a tad surprising actually.

So yeah, back on the ground – there’s be about 4 or 5 of us marine cadets, in the twilight of a Saturday or Sunday...or maybe even Thursday! In inner city Leeds, in full army gear, with de-commissioned rifles, shuffling our way, thru undergrowth, bushes, architecture, canal toe-paths, bridges, roads all that kinda stuff – playing at being real soldiers. Expecting to arrive on an enemy encampment or sentries or base & blow it to fuckery with our stealth, skill & sheer overwhelming fire-power...except for at base they had that mega anti-aircraft gun! It was a bloody dream! Awesome, which kid in their right mind who enjoyed growing up with toy guns & playing cowboys & Indians & loved their action men wouldn’t be in 7^th heaven doing all that shit. I do remember thinking i was having fun! It was, to be fair, a brilliant time & i enjoyed it immensely...i may’ve even gone & joined up for real if i hadn’t gotten all political & punkified when i was 14 but oh well, such choices are ours to make & we must live with them i suppose. If there’s anything more i can recall about the day to day stuff of being a marine cadet i will update but thats about all of that stuff for now.

The next bit features the dress uniform twice, the khaki uniform a bit and features guns! Guns! Guns!!!! And more guns! To paraphrase Neo in Matrix...’lots of guns’ but I’m getting ahead of myself. Our unit (I’ve made that up – dunno if we were ever a unit or troop or what but it seems to make sense rather than saying ‘us cadets’ all the time) were told we were going to somewhere in North Yorks for the weekend. Cool! So we packed our kitbags up & off we travelled to somewhere in North Yorks or further North, hazy details, ok. When we got there we were billeted in some kinda barrcky place bunk beds & had to get to work cleaning boots & doing such army chores possibly. Maybe even peeling spuds. At this time i think we realised in the grand scheme of things within the hierarchy that we’d just become part of – in this northern base place, we were close to the bottom & basically anyone else was just a whole lot more higher than us. Fairy snuff we thought. So yeah, i think we had some spuds to peel, some rudimentary knowledge was given to us about the tasks we were about to perform. Oh, and polish our boots a bit more, and then polish them later before going to bed! And we had to wear some if not all our dress uniform except the peaked hat (although we’d brought them with us) yeah think we didn’t need to wear the jackets just have a white shirt...ooohhhhh I remember another piece of the dress uniform...white gloves! How could i forget! We kids would always go on about how we could keep our gloves white & what’s the best possible way to take out a grease/boot polish stain – oh yeah what fun we had...will place this essential item in the dress uniform description earlier but not edit this bit out (yet, at least) for stream of consciousness purposes, ok, good. Our task that evening was to wait on the tables of the adults within our unit and other units and whatever. Could be the regular army/marines/navy/air force people that were stationed at this mysterious place of which i can’t remember where it actually was except northwards & a bit mountainous possibly. Yeah we were fucking waiters, excuse me sir, would you like a glass of wine? That kinda stuff, picking up the used – discarded plates, returning with the next course. Maybe even doing the washing up. Occasionally some general would ask (prob not a real general but back then anyone higher up the c.o.c...ha ha ha chain of command, would’ve seemed like a general) ‘so, how are you liking being a marine cadet?’ and cuz they’d asked I was sure i’d’ve replied ‘its the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be, sir’ more than likely. Oh those days of innocence. Seemed to go on for hours this evening did, recall us cadets theorizing on whether it was permissible for us to roll up our dress shirt sleeves & if so how many folds we’d be allowed & how could the neatness be maintained and do you know what – we just went ahead & rolled up our sleeves! Without being ordered to or not to! Now that was autonomy – felt liberating! We were awake for ever & the night just kept on & ongoing. Sometime it must’ve finished & we, no doubt had a very early start ahead of us. Luckily i was just a bit too young to be doing the under-age drinking – but the older lads i think did partake of some of the after-dinner brandy. I was probably smoking by then so a ciggy or 2 may’ve happened but well c’est la vie.

Possibly the next morning, porridge & dressed & inside a real army truck driving to somewhere else within the northern base-camp. And all out, ooooooh we’re at a firing range. Signs all around reading; ‘live fire’, ‘tanks’, ‘shells’, ‘explosions’, ‘danger of being blown to pieces by artillery fire’ – all i read was ‘fun, fun, fun & excitement!!!!’. They told us very solemnly about how bullets worked, what a live round was. How you can tell if it’d been fired or not. How incredibly dangerous they were and all that. Then the next minute they’ve given me a pistol with live rounds in it & telling me to shoot the fuck out of a person shaped target. Oh yeah baby! Blam blam blam!

Next here’s a sub machine gun...is it a sten gun? It might’ve been y’know...hell it might’ve been a Thompson sub machine gun, not an uzi though...more a 2 handed piece of grey/black cold steel with a magazine sticking out with a grip, a trigger & a pointy bit that you point anywhere else but at yourself or friends. Oh yeah a sub machine gun! Fuck me in my hands was an awesome weapon of death, doom & destruction....whats that, someone just said something...oh yeah ‘fire’ so i pull the trigger....like those noises every kids makes firing a pretend machine gun chuchuchuchuchuchuchugchuchuchuchug-ga sound emanates from the muzzle & a hail of bullets is spewed forth from this thing of wonderment. Shit! The recoil is overwhelming! My shoulder is rocked & the barrel is almost pointing at the sky – though it started level, aiming at that target thingy which was forgotten the moment those hot pieces of lead flew from the muzzle....

Had to try & get my breath back....next we were laying on the ground, prone position – in the classic pose with a rifle (this time a fully functioning lee enfield .303 – wow, again!) pointing at a target a few hundred yards/metres(?) away. This target was the army chap running at you outline with insides a concentric ring-type design with obvious best bits to hit. Vaguely remember loosing a few rounds with this & then I think we got a go with an SLR...ohhhh i used to know all about these but think my photomedia courses have supplanted such acronym from the battlefield to the artworld – may look into these via google later for comparison. Anyway yeah shot this semi-automatic rifle more than a few times. And it was humungous fun! At the end of the day – for this is what it was by now – we all had to stand at the back of the truck and swear we had not got any concealed live ammunition on our persons! I know for definite i didn’t and would never have contemplated the idea that anyone could do such a thing but am sure nowadays there may’ve been some unscrupulous souls who may hap have not been so honest! Shocking, i know, dreadful quite!

They basically were the highlights of my time spent with the Marine Cadets. One bit during the barrack lessons was the oath we had to swear – that allegiance to the queen & all that jive. Even though i was not at all contentious in my thoughts at that juncture in life it still felt wrong saying that some disembodied person could command me to do what they fuck they liked just cuz they were a royal rankled me even then – maybe it was the embryonic anarcho-spirit within me waiting for its chance to emerge...whatever. The last scene of this is when, after attending a young socialist meeting with my mate Tub (Toby) – i was 14 now, at high school, and steadily heading into punk faster than the Dickies singing paranoid! I had a few other mates at High school who also were in the cadets but those were in the army cadets, about 4 or 5. They were nice enough bunch. Ha ha ha one especially lived just about 10 or 20 houses down from where i lived, Johnny Pape. Man, he was weird but not in a nasty way just seemed a bit too obsessive about stuff. Anyway laters on him. Yeah socialist meeting, ummmm class war!? Ummm royalty???!!!!, CND (campaign for nuclear disarmament)!!!!, CRASS pacifist punk rock band, anarchy!!!???? My head was a whirl with all these new ideas & thoughts & plans & stuff. I remember shooting the gun up on the range, the target was in the shape of a human...I was shooting another human being! Argh no, no way peace & love....man the hippies never really died out did they, the anti-Vietnam experience still reached out & for bloody good reasons too! FIGHT WAR NOT WARS!!!! All this stuff was shooting around in my brain. So something had to go & I realised, where i was heading at that time was not the same place that the Marine Cadets were going. So i had to tell my folks that i didn’t want to go anymore. Which was all good, think they may’ve been a bit sad coz of its routine & good bits about it but they, fair play to them, went along with my wishes – i was expected to tell the marines of how i felt so i did. Vague notions of meeting the corporal or sarge (dads mate – green beret) and telling him i can’t come anymore I’m not into it or some such bollox. He said to me thats a shame as he could see me being promoted soon to lance corporal or summat cuz he could see i was intelligent. Which was dead nice of him to be fair. As he could’ve said ok, bye or a zillion other things but he said what he said. Which is funny as at various stages thru my life people have said to me – you are quite intelligent, you are intelligent, why is it with your obvious intelligence you choose to play the fool? Is one I’ve had a few times too.

Am i intelligent? What the fuck does it mean? Anyway its 25 to 5am now – bloody night shifts eh! Completed this bit now...oh no I ain’t there was another time i wore my dress uniform, ha har! Nearly let that one dissipate didn’t i....ok, another cup of tea or coffee & I’ll retell that little episode....(it features an even bigger gun – oh yeah!).

Ok, where my family lived & where we grew up - our direct next door neighbours – living in a semi-detached, were one-time friends and often we’d spend a pleasant few hours in each other’s company. All up to the point when us kids, got to be of an age where we became young fucking bastards & caused unbelievable nasty stunts to happen to said next-door-neighbours & the complete & utter destruction of friendship into sheer bloody hatred for generations...anyway they moved away after a bit so fuck ‘em. But during my cadet phase, next doors eldest had joined the TA (Territorial Army) a bit like army reservists. He’d go on camps on the weekend, sometimes abroad on manoeuvres and often be seen around the house in uniform. Occasionally I’d be in uniform too – so we had a common denominator. Learning how to take orders & kill strangers who were just like us but on the ‘other side’ therefore our ‘enemy’. Simplistically put methinks, oh yeah armies & wars & all that are way deeper than that but on the surface that what it appears to be. But i won’t go into one persons terrorist is another persons freedom fighter. Or the what would you do if the Taliban....(back in the day it used to be ‘Russian’ – further back it would’ve been German or Nazi....back, back ‘French’.....roman.....Celt.......sabre tooth tribesman.....? )....were raping your grandmothers’ cat?

Yeah like i said, the shits....our name for the next door neighbours, lol.....the shits eldest son was having a parade at some local parade ground...may’ve been down south a bit actually or easterly...maybe westerly.....really i don’t have a clue. If the picture turns up it may mention where iot was but anyway on with the story......I was dressed up in my real dress uniform cuz i was a cadet – not a younger kid of say 5 to 8 yo who could’ve gotten away with wearing a fancy-dress playsuit of army type looks – which wouldn’t’ve seemed out of place really would it. Imitation being flattery after all. Yeah, the photo was taken & i was stood next to a hefty piece of artillery. That’s it! I do very vaguely recall there being an army day at my primary school, Ireland wood and we were able to clamber all over some army type vehicles like a tank or something – good fun. Only other times I’ve met the army – other than in computer/video games or on the telly promoting democracy & freedom by killing people have been either; on the road, whilst in bands – doing gigs...always seemed to be much army trucks on the road. On demo’s: notably at Faslane nuclear sub site, Scotland and Menwith hill usaaf spy base in/near Harrogate, north yorks.

The only other times i’ve worn a uniform is – ha ha ha apart from the I’m an individual, unique punk – so that’s why I’m wearing the exact same type of clothes as millions of other unique individuals – punk anti-uniform has been as a nurse/student nurse and/or health care assistant on a hospital wards. Catering assistant uniform in a nursing care home. And thats about it. Army clothing I’ve worn...hell i’m just rambling with the flow – writing any old shit...better out of my brain than in......aha! Around 14 to 15yo the Mod fashion appeared again in youth culture...i acquired a parka! Lovely knackered old thing...had ‘the who’ painted on the back & a union jack sewn inside....thats how i got it & kept if for a fair few years before the union jack got burnt outside leeds town hall for some anti-war protest or other. I had a flight suit for a helicopter pilot...what sting, of the band ‘the police’ wore occasionally – i didn’t have it coz he did i had it coz thats what the cool scooter boys wore over their mod/ rude boy clothes whilst scootering around on their lambretta’s or vespa’s. I wore it cuz i just felt it was cool & only occasionally did i ride a scooter. Oh I had a grey army coat (probs air force) that i used to go to early gigs in...recall seeing chumbawamba at a miners benefit gig in woodhouse, Leeds 6 (around 1983/4?) and Boffo saying i looked like a nazi SS officer....oh how i laughed. And not much else until 1998 when in bude, Cornwall on a week with the FYD (friends for young deaf PEOPLE a charity type thing made up of volunteers helping young deaf people, well d’uh) we were on a team- building course. Blindfolded mountain climbing – fun bearing in mind a lot of my co-volunteers were deaf themselves (i may explain this later on or earlier depending on how chaotic this ‘thing’ is). Making a raft & going on a river with it – whether it came apart or not....yes, they did come apart, hope that didn’t spoil any future suspense! Carrying an item of varying size around a bloody annoying assault type-course, and of an evening getting shit-faced drunk on Guinness – only cuz they handed out free pint of Guinness promotional slips on every other street. If you were sneaky you could bag yourself up to and above 10 pints...you were meant to only get 2 pints or even 1 i think. (Ok maybe a bit of exaggeration has crept in here, but seriously, if you did the leg work – which believe me i did, you didn’t have to buy any beer at all that week...well in the town anyways, back at the hotel no such luck, pounds sterling were required for every beverage). Jeez i am going on a bit...more recollections of this trip somewhere else.

Needless to say on some of the free time in early afternoon, after the team building activities & before evening meal & going out to get slaughtered were done. Shopping was permitted. I found an ex-army stall with army stuff on sale....my 1^st camo trouser s were bought from here...probs a size 30 or 32 (was a student back then nowadays I’m 36 waist ha ha). Also, funnily enough i was getting back into doing demos – especially animal rights protests & part of the punk/AR anti-uniform was either all black – like the blac bloc or a mix of black & camo...which is the style i favoured. ‘when you’re in the crowd, you don’t remember your name’.....the jam song kinda explains why i feel content knowing i wanna be different yet feel ok with being similar to my peers...kinda vibe. And i bought a pair from Newcastle under Lyme market a few years ago cuz my old pair ripped to shreds round the crotch. And they are one of my default pair of keks to wear at any occasion...except work i guess, damn.

Another essential piece of ex-army kit, as was – back in the squatting, hunt sabbing, being punkier than thou days was of course the Italian para boot! As used to be found in Leeds Flea market, oh yeah used to wear those, unlaced everywhere – even in bed sometimes...until they talked to you...no, not a weird acid trip...although maybe...i mean when the front sole would peel off or heel would & they slap & they would look like a mouth yakking away whilst walking etc. Cheaper to buy a new pair of 2^nd hand boots than re-soleing, oh yeah! These were not doc martins ya know. Right up to 1992 was the last pair i had. Leather etc, and i only had them cuz we’d moved out of one student house cuz landlord had not paid rent so had to re-locate to duckpool road....house before Fairfield road, Newport, south Wales. When i moved in i looked under the bed & found a pair of para boots that were my size! I took this as a sign of great things....a few days weeks later i was drunk – about 2am in the morning & tried to chat-up the love of my life – who totally ignored me...but her mate talked to me & invited me to their house for a mug of tea & some toast. Thanks Cara, and you wore para boots too & you introduced me to the band ‘Back to the Planet’ awesome. Its 5.33am now & thats it for this bit. Laters.....

CHAPTER FOUR

4 the bad shit ive done!

Oh fuck! This is gonna never end! Of that I can guarantee, if I could feel shame right now id be as bloated as rhoald dhal ‘james & the giant peach’ – yup id be the giant peach! & unfortunately the bad continues but in relation to say murder or genocide – its relatively minor. Or so I hopefully guess.

Childhood, ummmm, trying to strangle chris rose as he’d pushed me into some glass, cutting up my knee. Later vaguely recall looking at his ass behind the electricity thing – we got spotted by Michael who told my bruvv andi – who brought it up when ALL the neighbour hood kids were in our back garden, lovely classic, life defining moment. I was between 5 and 8 years old.

7 years old: at Michaels house, for lunch – which was nice, 1^st time. His scary – bossy mom gave me cheese and tomato triangle sandwiches. Little did she know I despised tomatoes then. So I peeled up each triangle, extracted the offending tomato slice, and threw them underneath the sofa cushion – or under the sofa – on which I was sat & happily guzzled the sarnies.3 or so days later, Michael asked me about if I liked tomatoes, I asked why? He explained that cuz his mom was cleaning she found my discarded tomato pieces strewn around. Omg was so embarrassed! Still am to this day – if only I could’ve opened my mouth – but at 7 its so easy to become submerged in self doubt & embarrassment & such!

When I was about 8 or 9, in france on one of our camping trips my folks presented me with a huge tomato slice – oh no, I said I hate tomato’s, they covered it in salt & asked me to try it. So I did. From that day I’ve loved tomatoes!!!!!! Some random camp site in northern france acquainted me with a unappreciated fruit/vegetable! Fascinating huh? so that’s the bad I remember from being a child? Well I wish it was all that innocent. No, bedwetting til I was 11 years old. Funnily enough it stopped when the sexual abuse ended, lol.

Oh well, if this ain’t published & its just for me I’ll try & go into as much detail as I can – if it does go public I’d better get it checked out all legal like, in case there’s some impending disclosures of criminal acts – of which I wouldn’t be so surprised, so’s I’d better try & be careful. So where was i? oh yeah sexual abuse! Lolz. Ha ha ha at least I can laugh about it now but it was a seedy – bloody horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, ever!

I really cant remember much about it all – at all. Which is a blessing, except some sicko kinda set scenes which are way fucked up for my tender sensibilities! Anyway enough hype & back to the story….lol (reference to ‘the storey by storytellers’ my next bestseller!

Guess I was about 7 or 8 y. o. – due to eldest brother david being about 13 - & query onset of puberty & possibility of him wanting to explore his sexuality…which is – basically fair enough, if you try it out on girls (or other similar age consenting teens of girl or boyness depending on preferences…again I guess), what wasn’t fair was him trying it out on me. Well I was a captive audience. And he was pretty hideously ugly, and mega fucking spotty, and a geek, and socially inadequate…but he could make an awesome crystal radio from scratch & he was ever so clever with anything electronic and radio orientated! Also, being my brother I loved him….like you do with siblings, anyroad that said how did it all begin?

Haven’t got a clue, possibly andi got himself his own bedroom so i went into the larger – shared bedroom…bunk beds. Dave on top bunk & me on the bottom. I have 2 set pieces I recall. And really I don’t wanna delve further into the possibly 3 year long ‘relationship’ we had so there! One time I’d had shower or bath & I’d come to bed. I had walked into bedroom with towel draped around me (was it light green? Seems to be in memory?). so did I put on pj’s & get into bed? Nope. Remember thinking dave would be coming up to bed at some time – so I wanted to be ready for him to ‘use’ me. So I lay on top of my beds duvet with towel unfastened, thinking would I be ‘inviting’ to him? Weird thinking about it now….at that age 8 or 9? Should a child be wanting to be sexually inviting? Hmmmmm I seriously doubt it! Thankfully I truly cant remember anything else about that night. Apart from I guess I was inviting enough – I presume some ‘action’ happened, no recollection – anything else I would write would be guesses! So I’ll stop there.

Next time we were in mom & pops bedroom, probably on their bed & naked….we kissed, French style. I remember his tongue tasted weird, - will never forget that taste and I remember sucking his cock – taking it deep into my mouth, tongue feeling his foreskin & tip under it & again a weird fucking taste. That’s it. Maybe, real vague notions of wanking him & him kissing my cock? But I couldn’t swear to it. Seriously think I’ve eradicated every other memory. Kinda pleased that I have really, maybe under hypnotherapy could recall more but if I did hypnotherapy id prefer it to be to give something bad up – like smoking or drinking too much!

Thought I’d remember more actually but well, there ya go. Not a lot but enough! Too much as it should’ve never happened you bastard! Fucked me over psychologically many times over – true not as bad as many others who’ve been abused but abused is what it was & abused is what I feel & felt at many times. Though I think ive been able to deal with it with varying degrees of success? Whenever I got into a relationship or basically friendly with people I’ve mentioned to them that I was a ‘victim of sexual abuse from a young age’ and funnily enough a few other people have too! So that has been learning shared experience for some of my friends.

Though it has a dark side too! Such as disclosing this to my ex brother in law (if I was married [to vix]) well, we’d been to marks to smoke some weed! I’d gotten very stoned & sometimes I feel a need to share intimate stuff to people I think I like. [It’s a weird sense of disclosure I feel compelled to do – usually commensurate with the element of disclosure to the amount of alcohol/drug I’ve taken! Those poor poor people on the message boards I frequent (and hello, NSA – hi, how ya doing?) they will be very turned off to me disclosing some more intimate stuff ha ha ha.] So I did I told him, in anguished tones about the shit I’d been thru….etc etc. oh I have some empathy & support from cool dude who is ex ex bro in law (he was bro in law at time). So later on down the line & vix found pornography sites, id visited on computer – via history – or via media player…..she tearfully called sister Zoë & said yan is sick, looking at porno filth, etc etc.

Mark (bro in law), said oh watch out he was a victim of paedophilia so he might be a paedophile! Great! Vix’s worst fear!!! And it was me – coz I’d visited some porno sites (none at all about shit like that – more teen stuff and some bondage etc) yet some titles seemed ‘suspect’ to vix…which is fair enough….’babysitter rapes niece’ or ‘dad fucks his young daughter’ or some similar fucked up porno titles (cuz dunno if anyone else has noticed but ‘dads’ always seem about 25 – 30 & ‘daughters’ seem about 18-24. well the ones I watched, I knew these were all staged…..and the titles lie. I guess I do see the point tho, if u don’t access porn & just read the titles it could look as if u were ‘dodgy’! so I don’t blame vix for being worried!!!) (I chose, sometimes, titles like that cuz I knew they would have youngish – teen – girls in them and that’s often what I like & that they really wouldn’t be paed stuff. Shit if it was id turn off as im not into that at all. It does sicken me that innocence could be taken away so easily – scum!). I felt betrayed cuz I’ve never seen any child porn, and never ever want to! Id told mark that id been abused & he used this – seemingly to fuck our relationship up – without any fucking proof!

I found it such a shitty situation, well I still like porn but vix took the keyboard away – well I cant blame her cuz I would continue to access porn. Cuz I know that I’m not accessing nasty shit i.e. paedophilia or bestiality or anything like that…yeah some simulated tho obv staged rapes, some bondage, but mostly teens & lesbians….fucking hell, what a nightmare telling people about being abused can be!

Currently, without internet connexion I asked a friend to download Czech streets for me – where a few guys go around Prague with a video camera, meeting really pretty girls offering them money to show them their breasts. And many say no, many say yes though…and a few – at least one per episode – of which there are about 30, actually end up having sex with the video guy. I like it cuz it seems real, like it isn’t staged and it appears genuine…like they did meet these people, it makes me wonder what girls would get up to in the local city centre if you caught them feeling just a bit randy…ho ho ho – though I don’t have enough money to attract them and/or the age now to attempt it – or the fucking nerve, unless I was drunk I guess but who’d want a drunken git letching after them? Not me! Unless she was really fit lolz.

Enough about this sexy stuff! And onto the sex pistols! Lol, terrible link I know but time for me to talk about punk rock – even though I’m currently listening to David Bowie….diamond dogs, still he did inspire many many punks!

The truly bad shite i’ve done

When i was about 14 or 15 i met a dude called tony, he was what you call ‘a bad influence’! my parents said he was bad news, my friends said he was bad news & guess what – they were right, yet i was wild – almost feral by then – i wanted to be bad & tony’s ideas of bad was good to me! He talked of burglary & stealing & living on the ill gotten gains & I thought it was exciting! He had just come out of Borstal or some similar institution. He had a hold on me too cuz he’d heard a taped song of mine called ‘I love wendy’ – another chapter deserving of which i won’t go into right now. Also i had this weird notion of emulating my brothers, andi’s role of being the black sheep of the family too! I wanted to be badder!

Tony took me to the very dark side of lawnswood school – plces where the bad kids go to smoke their cigarettes! Underneath the stairs in the ‘other’ side of the school. One time when we’d bunked off school he said we should rob some houses for money – ok, i was up for that. As we were inschool area’s he started looking at some houses....we tried one house. Knocking on the door, seeing if anyone was at home? If there was we’d say we were looking for our friend ‘Bob’. Tried one house, no answer so went looking at their windows...& tony tried smashing it! I thought this was a bit OTT (over the top) so i said I know somewhere where we don’t have to smash the windows.

So I took him to my best mate – in the whole worlds – house, Adam’s house! We got to the front door & knocked no one at home. Tony was just about to start kicking his way in when i said I know where the key is....

So I let us in my friend’s house – where I’d been only a month before enjoying elderflower wine from his mom & dad & playing in his back garden & doing fun weird shit that friends do. Now a month later I was raping his house for money! We went thru that house like a fucking tornado, ripping open cupboards & drawers – getting their contents & strewning them on the floor. Going into Adam’s parents’ bedroom, finding a box of 100 condoms & laughing, throwing the condoms everywhere. The rape continues! Going into my best mate – since middle school, when we were about 5 or 6 years old & finding a meeting of minds, weirdness attracts – yet here i was, ripping into his rock collections & destroying their connectivity by looking for pennies! Ripping apart our friendship for this bad boy phase i’d bought into! I was tearing apart my soul but i didn’t realize. We left the house absolutely fucking devastated! But maybe 100 pounds richer.

Then we went to another friends house I’d visited about a month or 2 before, i kicked their kitchen door off its hinges, yet no one called the cops & we gutted that place of its secret places & its innocence – by raping the friendship that I’d been given.

Months later I’d realized what a total cunt/dickweed I’d been but before then me & tony went to ground cuz we knew the filth would be looking for us. A friend – steve, had a shed in the basement of his towerblock, which we lived in for about a week or 2. We had sleepingbags & food: like a block of cheese & bread & crisps. After about a week it got really fucking boring.

One time emerging from underground i found a 20 quid note. I didn’t believe they existed so i went to see my mate andy driver – skinhead – also the go-to-see-skinhead-dude who seemed to be really wize of all the queenswood drive skinheads & he said yeah there really is a 20 quid note – he helped me spend it on sweets. Did i mention we were still kids?

Another time i called into the shed, after being out, and i walked in there was steve Blackburn getting jiggly with Kirsten – really fit girl from Cookridge, who happened to be daughter of a copper, who also happened to be dressed in white frilly bra, white frilly suspenders, white stockings & white frilly panties....she was the fucking hottest of the hottest girls on the planet! And she was trying to fuck steve in ‘our shed’! oh yeah, she was a fucking mental head-case, like me too & all my other psychological friends i found about later ha ha ha (heard she’d spent some time in a psychiatric unit, like Me & amy & Lin). Anyroad, i said hi then i fucked off & let them do whatever they wanted to do. Fast forward 20 years, met steve again in inner city Leeds pub with sis in law & bruv andi - & steve was then as gay as could be! Weirdness!!!

Back to the shed! As it was off or near queenswood drive – where i spent a lot of time when 15, it was where Amy lived – so i used to call on her regular. One of those days she told me my mum had phoned saying the cops were looking for me. Damn, my crime spree had been busted. So i went to see my mum & dad & it was dad & me who went to the cops. Gave my statements & cuz i was juvenile i had a caution.

Within 3 months it was Adams birthday & i weirdly got an invite. So I went to his house & all I remember was loads of semi-cool kids surrounding me asking how weird is this are you ok, what does this feel like, etc etc. & then his mom looked into my eyes & said how am i? I Said I’m ok, i guess. She asked me about being at Linton House Adolescent Unit of Highroyds Psychiatric Hospital in Menston. And i said yeah I’d been there & i hope i said i was sorry. As i may’ve been there or just left it was late into being 15 or maybe i was 16 then. At least it was a kinda closure. But I think I may’ve destroyed Adam’s sense of friendship forever. Wonder what he’s doing nowadays really.

And i think thats the baddest thing Ive ever ever done

Well, apart from smacking my bitch up of course, hey Joy..whats your take on me beating up my girlfriend?

· Jan Shaw

honest, there's no agenda or hidden shite about this - if you can spare the time - i'd like a really honest take from your side of our time together.
if you want you could include some of the good bits, of which we had a fuck of alot!!!!
but also if you wanna lay the boot in please do! i'm big enough to take it & I'd love to be able to feature you in the blog
lotsa loves jan xxx

· 24 December 2013

24/12/2013 13:39

Joy Bahn

hiya, still have the dent in the head lol. was both of us, we wound each other up the wrong way, that's all. it wasn't like you beat me for not washing up, i gave as good as i got Happy xmas xx

so, there you have it.

We wound each other up & both gave as good as we got!

So gave her a chance to elaborate, next will be all my side of it....when i get bored & have to find something to do, lol.

Guess what? I got bored!

Me & Joy – well, I knew her as Mandy back in those days. I’d been squatting a couple of years & met Dallas & turney. Then one day Dallas said some of his friends from Darlington were coming down to Leeds, nice. So there was a party & I walked in, probably tripping & i do distinctly recall wearing my cloak – for added punk rock effect when in one of the rooms was this girl swirling around to the music dancing in the most amazing way I’d ever seen anyone move & fuck me, she was gorgeous & sexy as fuck! Yup – it was love & lust at first sight! I’d just seen mandy/joy and i wanted to meet/talk with her more!

Can’t remember much more about that night but my recollection does recall her being in my upstairs room at 3 Richmond Road squat – music blaring, me & her sitting together, almost falling asleep but with another person sat there too. If not a few other people milling about. Then someone came in & said to the other person ‘how about letting them 2 have some time alone’ and then the other person left.

The record player in my room was an old style one that when you put a record on it would play to the end, then the player arm would relocate & play the record again. The record on the turntable was ‘its all done by mirrors’ by The Astronauts. Awesome album & forever etched into my mind. Mandy/Joy & I seemed to spend about a week in bed together – seriously! We talked of the world – of the planet – of all the places on this world that existed. We were each other’s world for that time. Occasionally we would look out of the miniscule window out onto the street below & wonder if anyone missed us. But then we’d probably change the record for The Omega Tribe & then get back into bed! Time seemed to last forever.

I wish, but can’t, but do imagine, our sexual couplings were amazing! Probably due to being very drunk on buckfast or some such wicked brew!

Next bit i can adhere to memory wize is being downstairs – this time on the 1^st floor of #3 Richmond. The one facing the front. Well, apart from the bit where loads of graffiti happened & when dallas took that picture of me beside the tree picture. Me & Joy here: there was one time me & her were getting sexy underneath the covers of our duvet on the double mattress getting sweaty & sexy & sucking, licking & all that other naughty stuff. Getting well dirty. Probably. At one point I poked my head out of the duvet & noticed joy sitting away from the bed by the back wall. So, i wondered who the hell was getting jiggly with me under the duvet????? As joy is the one I started with & assumed I was still getting jiggly with?! But she was sat outside the bed! So I delvbed deep within the duvet & out popped Lilleth!!! ! our housemate! She’d obviously been passing our room, seen our unlocked door, seen us getting hard at it & decided to join in. Charming! Free love is all well & good when you’re expecting it – not so when its sprung on you! Anyway no lasting harm done just an etching on my memory banks. Lilleth was, i should mention, a transgender person. Not so a transvestite as I think she was originally – genetically a boy – but then she took hormone thingys & developed breast & dressed in a more feminine way. Though to this day dunno if she went the whole trans-gender operation thingy. Have heard some stories about Lilleth but can’t verify them so won’t pass on.

Anyroad up that was an interesting day.

Another time i do recall which was quite nice was when me & joy had had a really awesome sex session in our bed – in the 1^st floor bedroom – and were still aglow with orgone energy when Wendy & other friends (all female about 3 or 4) turned up & sat opposite the bed & chatted with me. I was there naked under the duvet cover & looking at these awesome female friends. I especially noticed wendy cuz she was wearing white leggings & I wished then & there if only i wasn’t going out with Joy – I would so like to have you in this bed, right now!!!!

Unfortunately it was never to happen (ha ha ha ha)

Joy & I were both in the same band at this point – the squatting collective of Tree of Life. She was a singer whereas i was playing guitar & singing to an occasional song. The other female singers were beccy (halifax) & gill (ere). On bass we had Jez. Drums & acoustic guitar was Dallas, simon on synth, spot & ???? on flute, jaimie on clarinet. (10 at our maximum). Oh mave popped in for a practice but never joined us.

Anyway its bedtime for this story now g’nite xxx

CHAPTER FIVE

Punk (other types of music does exist)

Yeah the sex pistols! Never mind the bollocks, heard it fresh and new when it came out via brother david cuz he was mega into the clash – going off to see them, cuz he was old enough. I wasn’t was about 11 or so. At school, high school, started off wearing my bro’s andi’s hand me downs – northern soul – glam rock stuff very fashionable – the height of – in 1975. flares, high waisters with zillions of pockets and many multitudes of buttons, shirt & then start emblazoned tank top jumper. And shoes! Shoes that were crepe sole or flat sole whichever, and round at toe end – like ping-pong bats…truly…weird design but I felt so ultra cool wearing all this stuff to school. Tru it wasn’t school uniform so I guess I must’ve been a slight way off a model school kid at 1^st year at 13 yo. But I never recall any problems encountered then with authority. Hell, that was all to come when I was 14. & I was embracing punk rock & I was immersing myself into its seductive clarion call 100%

So yeah I had wayne county & the electric chairs ‘if u don’t wanna fuck me then fuck off’, the clash’s singles & albums, sex pistols lp, jilted john song on top of the pops ‘gordon is a moron’ can still remember all the words to that too – often sing it, just for a laugh or when inspired! Also grew up on the beatles and the carpenters, various other rock n roll…bread, jean michelle jarre – oxygene. Remember mike oldfield doing tubular bells – thru a mate of andi’s. loads of inspirational music. We were all fans of marc bolan & t-rex too and big fans of slade! And the sweet too. Loved all their songs. But punk kept its grip on me and when I had the chance I found a second hand record shop in leeds city centre and bought slf’s inflammable material! Fucking awesome record. One significant time for me was lying on the floor, wearing these clunky – yet good headphones & blasting side 1 thru 2 of the vinyl thru my ears of inflammable material at full volume. After I remember my ears bleeding as I’d perforated my eardrums…I was no stranger to perforated eardrums due to a congenital ear problem ive had since forever. I was deaf at age 6 or 7 – had grommets placed in due to ear probs in an operation at hospital vague memories of going there pre-op with mom or grandma. Still suffer if I get a chest infection etc.

Similar time was listening to clash’s cost of living ep. And a pivotal moment was going into leeds city centre of a Saturday – to meet the gang. This time I was hanging out with the mods & a girl asked me to buy ‘baby love’ by dianna ross or Supremes – cuz she was too embarrassed to do so.- from hmv (my shame! Lol) I found crass ‘shaved women/reality asylum’ cuz somehow id heard about crass. From school or other local area punks? My fave side was shaved women cuz I heard guitars on it other side was weird & different – liked the anti-christ bit tho…very anarchy in the uk! Yaeh I was getting into punk & at 14 I bleached my hair for the very 1^st time & started to dress punk hating the northern soul clothes I thought were cool before cuz I now realized they were so un-cool now! I followed the unfashionable punks by wanting to look almost exactly like those in my sex pistols books! I was hooked. It seemed like punk was a movement, a force to change everything, it was a revolution – of thought. And we could fuck the system & destroy all the establishment. Kill all those old old bastards who, from authority, controlled us! And I hated the police: as my brother – andi – was always in trouble with them cuz he loved motorbikes yet didn’t have a licence or helmets or owt, in fact all his mates loved bikes & there were different bikes round every day needing this & that mending & we rode them up & down the back street or in the fields or andi – cuz he was a daredevil & didn’t care, rode them on the roads & was mega cool. In fact I wanted to be a criminal like him & get a worse criminal record than him – such was my peer envy at the time lol – what an idiot!

Jeez when I got to hanging round with the mods we even had a lambretta 125 that was stuck in 2^nd or 3^rd gear – so we rode in round the fields in turn and had to stop by broadside it, slide on its side to a stop by our mates. It’d stall. So to start it again we’d help each other by running it down the field & bump it into life! Fun bloody times. So what does all this have to do with punk? Well it infused my soul all thru these times & I was becoming more dressed up like one yet listening to so much music that I could appreciate fuzzbox guitar and funky jangly chords & distorted bass over wicked rhythm sections in motown & the punk lyrics always spoke more to me than all that r&b or soul I heard. All the trendy bands – chron gen, anti system, no government, exploited, more crass.

I was never a hip punk fan, I just got stuff I really really liked & played it to death & beyond sometimes whereas I guess others bought up lots & lots of vinyl & found many bands that way. I seemed to do ok though. Then there was the psychedelic furs, toyah Wilcox, uk subs, devo ‘mongoloid’ for example. Blondie – parallel lines. Sham 69, angelic upstarts. Stuff on top of the pops as punk went mainstream. Then there was the jam too…wow rick, my best mate awwwww! Now there were some times or what!

CHAPTER SIX

Sex

Apart from the early encounters with sex – from a victims perspective of abuse – alluded to somewhere else. The natural progression I encountered was a much more natural evolution – though just as flawed and fucked up – no pun intended!

Apart from my mom showing me how to kiss, I remember asking her – probs due to sexploitation – yet she showed me its lips on lips. Freud potentially could have a field-day of Oedipal proportions with this info, how about reading Charlie & the chocolate factory to me by Roald Dahl, or dodi smiths 100 and 1 dalmations – and even later when we found the sequel @starlight barking’...or was that me doing a search in the libraries a zillion years before google, listening to people talk & hearing my wondering mind....just ‘wondering’ if dodi smith had written anything else i might like cuz her book was awesome & happening to find out....why, why yes she had, another book of those abso bloody awesome dogs & their amazing stories! Why the hell didn’t she write a whole shelves worth of stories about those bloody dalmations!!!!! See how i can go negative?! Anyroad up – this was the book i found miraculously in a tepee whilst collecting strawberries when the strawberry collection season had ended. No word of a lie. So maybe i didn’t do all this sleuthing detective work myself & its hindsight that made me wish i had...cuz all of the truth i know is i had the book read to me at bedtime, by my mum & later by myself (i may’ve devoured it & imagined every woprd in a blissful animation in my mind...i only saw the cartoons in the last decade or so!) and that i was in a teepee- strawberries were a feature & i read ‘starlight barking’ in therte! So there.

Well it was a game of truth or dare, in our garage with andi’s gf. Mustve been about 11 yo. And was my 1^st French kiss! Weird – she used a tongue in my mouth, how bizarre! Same or similar day had my 1^st cigarette too. Shit, still smoking now – downer!

Why did I start here? Bizarre! There was me, rick & another boy? Cant remember his name & 3 girls – one was sonia who I got to go out with 1^st & I fancied her so much, we kissed & fumbled but not too much then with was swop around & I got Helen, who I klnow fancied rick more than me but he had sonia. I wanted her back but she didn’t want me. Other girl was sam. Who had been with rick, now with other boy. She was next for me on our rotation….lol these 3 girls were kinda semi-skinhead gilrls – Helen was most skin, sonia & sam wore the tight jeans, boots & harringtons or bomberjackets yet had long hair. I was punk/mod/hippy, rick total mod and greg? Was a flickhead/smoothie. So it got to be me & sam & then we fragmented. Rick went out with lisa from up my road for an awesome love session spanning many weeks & a suspected pregnancy & marriage…man we were 15?

Sam invited me to go on holiday with her to Amsterdam for a week to visit her sister. Cool, o0k I’ll go! So on the night before we go to Amsterdam me & rick meet up with 2 girls, Debbie (piggy) and polo. Hell I’d lost my virginity to Debbie about 6 months previously & we hadn’t seen each other since & polo (cunt – cuz she was rumoured to be so tight that hjer cunt was polo sized – oh we boyz and our nicknames!) fancied the pants off rick. Needless to say we ended up in a half bulkit house. In one of the to be bedrooms me & Debbie got down to it & various trousers were pulkled half way down & sexual relations were done & she was way better than the 1^st time I’d known her. Maybe cuz I’d done it a few other times so I knew what could be done.

My 1^st time was with her. One time hanging out with the scooterboys & girls of the kingsmen scooter club (they – the kingsmen, had a 7” single – mod band, singing the classic ‘louie louie’) in the field next to the woods – where we rode the laqmbretta 125. well, there were about 7 boys and a vaguely equal number of girls. Alsin was there too – a friend I used to call on in the council flats & read her jacqui comics and true love photo stories. Well she told me Debbie loved me & wanted me to fuck her tonight. Well, I was flattered and a bit scared, being a virgin & all. Alison saqid it was cool, cuz we could get some condoms at the welcome – local pub. Which I’d been going into for a few weeks & getting pissed on mild – then progressing to Tetley bitter, so a trip to the bogs for a pack of 3. and back to the fields where everyone was still waiting. Then somehow we all started running for a good place in the woods – between the trees!

Me & debs ended up ina place not too far from entrance to the woods from the field. Most of our clothes stayed on though our pants came down & really did I put on condom, did I enter her? Dunno. Just recall being on top of her, thinking is this it? She never moved a muscle & I cant remember moving at all either. But then it was done 7 we had to get dressed. Meanwhile some mad mods had been running thru the woods whooping & causing consternation & we found, as getting dressed that debs had lost or had her shoes stolen. Never did find them again, bastards! & then aftyer, I knew I wasn’t a virgin anymore. Big fucking deal!!!!

So this 2^nd time, was way more interesting can remember getting into it & enjoying myself! & hopefully she did to – think a while after this we did actually go out with each other for a bit as bf & gf – though cant remember doing the sex thing anymore, oh well. Anyroad I was fucking her in a less than half built house on the eve of going on a sexy holiday with my gf sam to the mecca of Amsterdam! What a bad bad man!

So me & her arrived in Amsterdam, met her sister – about 20 something, took us down many streets showing us shops, seeing many old guys wearing biker leathers (a drop out for old hells angels – me wearing scooter boys denim jacket!) went to a crossroads & then to her flat. Met austere german or dutch boyfriend – very distant & butch. Had lots of spliffs, then as we were very tired gave us much speed, then I remember having some opium – smoked…I was I daze during this 24 hour party…mustve crashed eventually. Next day saw sam sunbathing out in the yard topless! Her breasts looked tiny – like 2 fried eggs…thought backl to Debbie & her full pendulous brests & then I was not so much into sam – yeah she looked real pretty – much more so than Debbie but her personality seemed a bit weird to me then, like I couldn’t connect with what or where her mind was at. She seemed very distant. & we went out to a night club together yet somehow got split up. Think I xcame back to where we were staying yet sam fell asleep in the touilets & woke up locked in this bar/club. Guess this was the start of the bad times cuz ever after during our week she wouldn’t talk to me or be nice to me at all. Which was no big deal to me cuz I was in Amsterdam & fucking loved it – I, we didn’t do any more drugs -0 well maybe a spliff here & there but nothing so hectic as our 1^st night. Still I was in my element. Around the last day or days we started to walk down by the canals hand in hand but it was just as friends as we split up soon as we came back to the uk. Shame, she was gorgeous & we could’ve been real good together but I never felt that connexion with her.

I was nos stranger to weed, marijuana, grass, blow, smoke, stuff….as since I was 14 I used to bunk off school & go visit my hero at his squat. Andrew walters or duibs? Cants remember his nickname at the mo. But hgis face was the spitting image of Johnny rotten – sorry no sex now for a bit – reminiscence in full effect, maybe a bit more later! How did I know aboyut him? Well I got intyo fucking shed loads of trouble at high school – due to bleaching & dyeing my hair & wearing punk clothers & later for truancy…it was all opf a similar muchness. When I found o0put biggles lived in a squat at entropy cottage I invited myself down often when I was meant to be in school lessons. I visited biggles some times at hbis home. Top floor flat at the permanent building society skyscraper as his paerents were the securioty guards. Met his hand-made tartan suit there. And got into being his mate. During luch breaks – avoiding the usual; school crap I’d try & do some art cuz mrs clawson, art teachere, was nice to me – I’d see pencil a3 size pictures of Johnny rotten done by an awesome artist – mrs clawson said it was Andrew/biggles – I had to meet him (punk y’see) and I did thru luch time art sessions & he seemed a private yet happy person I think I was a bit too over the trop enthusiastic – like always but still he seemed to be my friend & introduced me to dolby – at lawnswood too – who wopuld tell me when he went & saqw the sex pistols live. I nearly did too, cuz during the miners strike, near xmas 1978 they were doing a miners benefit in Sheffield. Dad asked us 3 boys if we wanted to go….but unfortunately it mayve been same evening that the beATLES yellow submarine was shown on tv – so we opted for the animation in stead of rock n roll history or infamy.

Yeah, whatever, so having being introduced to biggles I now wanted to be him & wanted to live his punk rock life. So 4 out of 5 school days I’d spend down his squat at entgropy cottage – with the frak brothers round the corner with lots of smokable grass. And I’d get stoned listening about his band’the problems’ and meet his girlfriend ‘sandy’ who was shagfging someone else – we all found out later. And dolby witgh his polo necks would turn up occasionally & we’d do mushrooms & dolby’d tell us aboutr getting beaten up doping shrooms & laughing about it. I loved it & sometimes I’d stay over on the floor or a liberated sofa or something.

But I still had a life at home too.

Quite! Last night couldn’t sleep so thought of this – from midnight til 3 am! How many girls have I actually been with? Huh? Well I once suggested 50….lol! as if?! 10? More realistic – will try & name them now: Debbie 1^st. andrea – girlfriend at school! No sex, Katie robb-webb, gf – no sex, izzy – gf (cousin of kate) no sex, angie – smooch – no sex (mate of Alison – jason’s gf), michelle white – heavy petting – licked her out but no sex by me, think andi fucked her! Racheal…..from the cookridge youth club – yeah we had sex, I loved her arse! And ripped jeans and her innocent face and beautiful smile and her bezzy mate was jane – who rick got with, infatuated probably. Paul, wanted to go with racheal cuz she was so lovely – I said go for it paul, if you think you can – don’t think he ever managed to snog or owt! Shame lolz.

Oh yeah Maggie, in deepest tinshill, mustve met via the local pub the welcome, probs been mentioned before, she used to do some babysitting & I used to go along with her. To tear down her stockings and fuck her non the carpet in front of the fire. She had mega strong curly hair and an amazing laugh, a wicked glint in her eye and a strong gypsy vibe about her! I thought she was awesome! I was so happy to share her babysitting duties cuz it involved much much full on sex! One time, even deeper in tinshill – midway almost into horsforth I guess, we had a shared night in some council flats – me and mags, rick & lisa maybe…and me & mags went for the penetration full on! I specifically remember her on-top riding my cock with a vigour and enthusiasm that has been pretty much unparalleled since! She was on fire! - ive always thought this was the actual night when our daughter was conceived, yeah my first child…allegedly…. Emma.

From then on – I guess, my recollections are very vague if there at all & I may just make stuff up to sound more interesting rather than – sorry cant remember this or that or even the next bit – but inbetween all that this happened. But I may relate to the insertion of a vague fact every now & then in a sea of grey woozy hazy notions of possibilities, so there ya go. I’d heard that mags was seeing David ????????? also – know from meetings with him at our local & around as I think he may’ve been as prolific a jhoyrider as we had been – and he was fucking Maggie around the same-ish time that, one fortuitous day. Its fortuitous cuz I can actually recall the day: I was at holt park asda store, & I met mags – she came up to me & said ‘im pregnant’ I went ‘oh’ she ‘so what you gonna do’ me ‘ummm im going on holiday’ – yeah, really I was going back to france with my parents & siblings I guess.

Really that’s all I remember, moving on – before child was born I went to meet mags mum. In a small council house, there was the queen trooping the colour on tv – some convo, like marriage was talked about & I said, no, not gonna get married…& that’s all I can rememnber – really then later emma, was 6 months old. Met this ‘child’ and I was told I could feed her – so I did, cheesy puyff type crisps. Fucking weird yet awesome – so much that the image stayed with me so when I was squattiong getting wasted opn many drugs I’d make birthday & xmas cards to emma lousie – proud that I could make a child, even if I had no contact with said child – she was a child in my mind…think I made about 2 cards & sent them around xmas & 1^st birthday time…kinda half proud that I’d made up a poem – unique – for emma louise. Then I got a court order saying I had to attend. So I did. This time it was family court & because I’d made these cards then that proved I was the father to this young chiuld! Oh, I fekt such a fool, cuz in the days before Jeremy kyle it cost £200 for a blood test to determine whether you actually were the biological parent to the child…well, I couldn’t afford £1 really!

The court found that I was the legal father of emma & ordered me to pay maintenance of £1 a year – as I was on the dole – and the judge said it was like ‘getting blood out of a stone’ oh well. As a punk rocking, anarcho, nihilist, existentialist – I found this thought, of being an absent father akin to my thoughts of being a victim to the nuclear holocaust. One moment of clarity in this time was at 3 richmond road squat. Extemporalzing upon a flower, I contemplated the mass extinction of humankind in the blink of an eye & I was wracked with guilt that id never even know emma, my child, so as my eyes filled with tears for the l;oss of all existence I succumbed to the grief of loss of knowing my own child. It was blown away by a rain cloud and then the sun shiuning from through it & then I knew life continued and I was jusyt a small aprt of it. True the grief got more intense and then submerged with the hassle of trying to survive from day to day as a part of thatchula’s britian. But then the drugs got more & the anarchy intensifiued and punk rock got more & more under my skin so life went on! & I met mandy – lol, id met her way before when I loived in chapeltown or something like that. My thinkings getting a bit messy now – time to stop & refocus on what I know happened. Time for a new chapter? Oh yessssss!!!!!!!

Hell met mandy-joy. Awesome sexual;ity right there. But she fucked other people whilst still being with me without ending it. She was bad – I was bad to her, violent & nasty buy we kept almost together for about 2 yerars – it was my 1^st serious relationship. Next was with jyll or ravenbheart. And by now after 2 0r 3 taers of being veggie I’d gotten vegan!

07-31-2011, 07:40 PM #894

yan tree

Cyberpunk as Fuck Punk to the bone

Join Date

Jul 2010

Posts

2,620

i dry humped a witch against a tree once in Leeds university, and i had sex with another girl in a bush...whilst people walked past.... also had sex at stonehenge in a big wheat field, and almost had sex in trent valley woods on a recent birthday. i like sex outdoors! hooray for mayday and samhain! and other pagan fests of ...stuff ha ha ha ha

Sexuality

Well, i’ve explored my sexuality – not as much as i could, but about as much as ive felt natural with. With doing so i’ve met others who’ve explored further examples of sexuality – more power to them! That dead bloke who directed some films expressed it quite well:

“Understand that sexuality is as wide as the sea. Understand that your morality is not law. Understand that we are you. Understand that if we decide to have sex whether safe, safer, or unsafe, it is our decision and you have no rights in our lovemaking.”

—

Derek Jarman .

From 8 years old I was sexualized, against my will, yet it was an education. Of male to male sexuality. I buried such ‘abuse’ into my child mind & did a damn good job, thank you, even with this psychological trauma to deal with – possibly it influenced my destructive school daze, maybe it inspired my ‘death wish’ – what it didn’t do is turn me into a pedophile! Even tho people who’d I disclosed my history to, in a crazy phase of disclosure, and in trust (ha ha ha) were to use this disclosure as evidence that I was a pedophile.

Fucking cunting wanking shite! Ok, i – oh yes i know that some sick screwed up fuck-tards use the ‘i was abused, so thats why i abuse others’ defence when they are caught out abusing people but and its not a big fucking but....i know, as ive always known, that abusing someone is bad. Everyone knows that. Unless you are a sick fucking individual who has a mental health problem or as they say in the trade a personality disorder, then you are a sick-twisted-fucker who abuses kids & i honestly don’t care if they wanna kill you or use you in vivisection experiments. In fact I’d probably think this would be a good use of your breath upon this beautiful planet. Unless you can prove you are not a risk anymore! And hows that gonna happen?

Questions, no real answers! That’s the usual run of things isn’t it! Anyroad i’m no law-maker & as this is my epitaph – might as well tell my personal history.

Had a usual introduction to the opposite sex at the appropriate time – our hormones & puberty had changed my thoughts/feelings/everything really...and i guess i wanted to check out girls as much as girls wanted to check out boys...and we did, as much as was humanly possible! Crosslink with the sex page!?

Ok i seemed to be a natural human boy from around 14 til 26 following all natural urges. Following the earths natural patterns, cool. But then the government introduced section 28 – which outlawed ‘promoting homosexuality’ and I felt incensed! How dare this so-called elected body decide what was right or wrong in peoples lives. So i became mega militant.

CHAPTER SEVEN

7 bands

uh huh, punk rock! I want to be a punk rocker (the ramones!) oh yeah! So I needed to play a guitar! Only one around was an acoustic guitar, was my bruv andi’s, which he couldn’t get into – I did tho. I couldn’t play it. So what! If I hit it enough a sound came out of it, & wow, if I moved my fingers then the noise would change a bit. And as I continued – cuz I wanted to, not cuz anyone told me to….everyday, every minute, every fucken second I could I’d play it. At school, in my class, and a friend, tub (toby) told me about using 2 fingers to make a chord…so that’s when I progressed to 2 fingers – index and 3^rd (ring) finger to make a bar chord! Christ, what a mega fucken sound! Listened to anarchy in the uk & played along to it. Next was mongoloid by devo – tub gave me inspiration & said where the changes were – so I could play that one too. As well as deep purple, smoke on the water – cuz it was a classic (ha ha ha didn’t hear the original til about 20 years alter) same as to wild thing – jimi Hendrix, or all that stuff. Did no government by punk band. (insert name later) (anti-pasti 9.4.14) but I also learnt peaches by stranglers and warhead by uk subs & various other stuff.

Learnt to do clash’s johnny comes marching home & muted/dampened down chordage by visiting French people – friends related to all our france holidays! Learnt A minor chord from Linton house adolescent unit (a part of highroyds hospital in menston – a mental house – psychiatric hospital – I went to at 15 half & broken out of at on my 16^th birthday by family!~) learnt house of the rising sun by the animals – from a nice-ish social worker! Awesome! Song! Lolz on the !!!!!!!!

One day in my bedroom, me & rick & geoff? Used to listen to the jam & exploited all the time there. Stu & tom Kincaid called & asked me to join their band. So I did as the guitarist. There was chris little as guitarist too – but he never turned up – so it was just me really. We practiced in tom,s bedroom, my amp (borrowed) stu’s amp. Tom’s drum kit – he was an awesome drummer. And zippy, john, paul & others in the crowd…ha ha ha beware the demonoid! Video, times run out. We were so into it – so naïve but we really meant it.

Man, ive forgotten the school connextion, way before linton house, after detention I used to run up to the music room, tub on guitar? On bass & Trevor? Black dude – terry?, Trevor francis possibly on drums & I’d rip off my constricting school clothes to scream ‘iam am an anti-christ, I am an antichrist’ into the microphone….oh yes good days….merely a few days before I got expelled for good from high school. Why did I get expelled – well a combination of long time flaunting their authoritarian rules And sheer bloody stupidness.

So anyway I got gary, my cousin to join our band, cuz I was working with his father on a building site. He joined & we were a fully fledged band.

Our 1^st name was ‘virus vengeful & the evil dogmen’ but another band was called virus. So we went to the dictionary & chose pagan – as it was anti xtian & idols was tagged on – as there was another band called the pagans….lol & that’s all so far – god this is so slowwwww & confusing! So we became the pagan idols.

There was so much we did within the pagan idols. Though after 1984, especially april 1^st – the big squat at the old rates building. John & I had found various squats & rooms to sleep in. Later I moved into #99 in chapeltown, with dallas & turney & van-driver Tony – as featured in Boffs book ‘footnote’, i may include stuff boff described. One weird incident was when 2 punky/gothy girls called round (“hey yan there’s some groupies for you at the door”) to see yan, the guitarist of the pagan Idols. Well, blow me! I was 19, as shy as fuck & didn’t know how to interact with ‘girls’!..think they came into our front room, or my room, er, I offered a cup of tea. Picked up my guitar. Talked some absolute-complete utter bollox, for a short brief time & felt so very uncomfortable! So this was rock n roll, this was being a star – yeah what a silly situation to be in. Anyway all i vaguely remember is what I’ve already written & then they went away, no phone numbers or promises we’d ever see each other again. It was interesting purely because of its lack of anything interesting really. A non-event, but it actually happened – which i still find hard to believe. Especially because the idols had fans ha ha ha. And they were girls...and they seemed superficially interested in me – not for long really cuz i probably bored them half to death.

A week or 2 later I had a much more intriguing visitor. She was called kay. She turned up at #99, and had a shaved head was very pretty/good looking & confident – yet seemed way doped & into smoking dope. Which was mega cool cuz thats what i was into too. Also she brought her own guitar. We probably talked alot or a bit. But mainly we played our guitars to each other. Basically we played together all day & all night, without sleeping. She showed me how to de-tune one of the higher strings to make a folky type dirge sound. When you placed just one finger on the 4^th string. It sounded awesome & we played folk type stuff. Which is what i still do now in 2014...from 1984 to 2014 = 30 years!

Sad to say she got a bit mega fucking weird cuz she stole dallas’s dog, Vym! For a good week or 2. (might ask dallas for his input into this event). We ended up waiting on a hill (once was a 60’s tower block...probs now west yorks playhouse or summat) outside the signing on place in a hope of seeing her going to sign on & then nab her! Happy to say Vym was re-united with dallas. Sad to say i got a letter from her a few months later saying she was in a psychiatric unit in Loughborough & wanted me to help her. The letter had a huge A4 size yin yang symbol on it with the colours of black and blue – which to my even crazed doped up mind equalled this black & blue = bruised. Her poor bruised psyche. I thought long & hard about going to try & help her. But I never did. I have reflected over these past 30 years – that then, i was insensitive & an unfeeling cunt & that, if i had the time again I would have gone to help her. Dunno what i could’ve done but wish i had done now in retrospect. But fuck! This is just one of the many many regrets of my life.

Every time i pick up a guitar now & start doing the folky dirge type thang – it is her inspiration that i honour & think about each time i do it, well I do when i remember that it was her that showed me how to do it. I don’t always think of her – cuz its been 30 years of other influences really, yet still she was the one person who showed me how to do it. I do wonder what she ever thought or felt about me? Did she despair that i never answered her ‘help’ letter or did she think i was just another bastard fucking man/male – who doesn’t give a shit...i would presume the latter & if so, i can’t fucking blame her at all. Life is bloody weird isn’t it.

Thinking about Kay & her incarceration within a psychiatric establishment brings to mind 2 other specific occasions when friends of mine – at or around those times – were incarcerated within psychiatric facilities. One was John (yo) my best mate for a few years from 1983-1984/5 and Liz who’d i been writing to for years since i was 16 & she’d been done for ‘witchcraft’ – due to her working at The Sorcerer’s Apprentice offshoot – Astonishing books & dabbling with their contents, I guess. I actually visited Liz in the nuthouse. Yet I just couldn’t with John. It was left to Becky green hair & others to visit him after his acid freak-out. Again another event that I handled real bad & which i’m ashamed of & which I should’ve been there to support but I didn’t. We all have choices we can make & guess what, looking back it seems all or most of my choices i made were the wrong ones! Looking back I have so many, so many regrets. If only I had done this, if only I had done that. Given my time again & i had this knowledge now – I woulkd do the right thing. Again its easy to say now cuz i can look back & think, fucking hell – what a total tosser i am! Why didn’t i go & help my friend?! Its so easy to see where i went wrong but in day to day choices in the lives we are living right now all the possibilities don’t come with a clear pathway saying if you choose this option then this may happen, then this , then this....!

Sorry about the reflection & angst & regrets – well, i’m not sorry about sharing them I’m sorry cuz this chapter is meant to be about bands! And i haven’t even mentioned my next band – or even gone into detail about the current band!

So, the next band i got into was Tree of Life. Oh, what a fun ride this was...Not! tell you more later xx

CHAPTER EIGHT

8 veganism

went vegetarian about 18 after hearing all the hype from my friends about turning veggie coz all the cool punk bands were singing about it & most of them all fell down after about 2 weeks cuz they were drawn back into eating flesh by the deadly ‘bacon butty’ weak, I thought of them – so bloody weak & prone to the frivolities of fashion – I wasn’t gonna be so obvious & caught up in their inadequacies, not me – I had/have stronger moral fibre! I saw our punk fashion for what it was – a fashion! I saw the veggie craze for what it was: the next thing bands found to sing about, rather than state oppression, anarchy (whatever that actually was) or police or hate or fascism or whatevs…..i looked into the maelstrom of the conflicting shite that we were meant to be against – nuclear power, war, death, state control, etc etc. vegetarianism? HMMMMMM THAT LOOKED TO ME LIKE IT ACTUALLY WAS SOMETHING I COULD ACTUALLY REALLY CHANGE & IT WOULD HAVE A RESULT, everything else was just fucken hot air! Seriously, so I listened to the songs conflict – featured a lot here, Berkshire cunt, ,,,,their 1^st album…flux of pink Indians etc, but more so conflict cuz I didn’t have any flux records, my cousin Gary did. But2 songs……stuff on your plate, they don’t tell you of the killing…etc your blood their blood serves the same………..yep I’m gonna go vegetarian. Did it. Never ever gone back. Took me 2 or 3 years to go vegan & I faltered during art course back to veggie & back to vegan in 1998…thru to 2012. = 14

that’s all so far x

so, its March 10^th, 9 mins past midnight in 2014 now. Listening to Radio Free Pensocola’s Manic Compression punk show – done by Spysmasher or Michelle. Via itunes... https://www.facebook.com/rfpensacola fyi.

And what can i tell you more? I was 18 years old in 1984 – thats when i went veggie. As mentioned previously, I had to figure out if its what I REALLY wanted to do – as it, to me was a total life-changing action. Up to that point I’d been brought up eating animals as a normal thing to do – which of course it seemed then, but delving into the propaganda – which i guess it was via the songs & later the fanzine articles & then the leaflets about where meat comes from & what suffering all the animals had to go through just to feed my stomach – when there were viable alternatives – added to my resolve to be vegetarian. Seriously, never evr looked back – never missed any kind of meat at all. Well, there was this one time during the 1994-1997 years. When i was a bit unbalanced, mentally, physically a bit fucked up, alcoholically dependent to strong cider, artistic to a destructive degree when.....probably at some birthday do with my folks at a pizza restaurant in a newly updated bit of Leeds. My mum loves seafood, I’d probs had a 4 cheeses pizza, anyway she probably had a seafood pizza...well, she had some anchovies on her pizza & curiosity got the better of me so i said

‘what do anchovies taste like then?’

I had a weird curiosity about stuff like that such as, for a couple of examples – what is the difference between a turnip and a swede? What is scampi?: so there it was – the question.

My mum said

‘they’re a bit salty’

‘oh, are they? Hmmmmm really?’

‘yes, they are’ she said

Next bit – was it me who suggested having a taste to find out, or, did she say ‘try one’...really cannot recall. So I’ve added this bit just in case it was MY idea – but on reflection, i doubt it....but the doubt is still there so – maybe it was me?!

So I popped one little anchovy fishy into my gob, chewed on it a little bit. Found it incredibly salty & said

‘yes, it is a bit salty’

Therefore I guess I have to re-assess my veganism or vegetarianism or EVEN pescitarianism from that date. Say it was in May – my birth-month, possibly 1995 or 6. Mid-way between the dark-days of the 1994-1997 era.

There’s other times I’ve eaten meat also, though these were usually accidentally: back in Leeds again, after I’d turned veggy...remember came home from work & either gone to pub, returned to Home. & 2 plates were in the fridge. Both spag bol. 1 veggy & 1 carnivore....both plates looked identical covered in cling film. I chose one – whizzed it in the microwave & tucked in, munching away until the penny dropped! I’d taken brother Andi’s one – the meaty one. Oh shit, oh well, I put it back I guess & continued with my veggy one...back in early 1984 probs. As i went into squatting full time after april 1984.

The next time was when I was living in Newport, South Wales in Gals’s house. And our fellow house mate Anne-Marie (Irish nurse at Caerleon Nursing home) and I had got ourselves a Chinese meal. Well, we were munching away – possibly watching Ireland in that years World Cup event, probably 1996 cuz they do it on even years don’t they?. As I said...munching away & either she offered me a veggy spring roll or I’d ordered them, again can’t recall specific details. So I bit deep into one & made it into a bolus as I chewed & chewed & then swallowed it down my gullet. Then, my spidey sense kicked in – i guess due to an unfamiliar taste or texture or summat. Well, i got another veggy spring-roll & proceeded to give it an autopsy! Cut it open & dissected the remains and yes, there it was – the unfamiliar taste and/or texture – a shrimp-type-organism! Whoops I said, you just can’t be too careful can you, ho ho ho. Ho hum.

Back to veganism...I was veggy in Feb 1997 but as I started nursing I seemed to become a bit more woken up, probs due to the drugs I’d be giving out to people & the realisation of vivisection being used by companies to say that their drug was safe! But it was a gradual awakening cuz i was still a drunken punk rocker and student – who by default are drunken, if at all possible & I used to make it possible with the least provocation!

One event focused me, when I got into the local animal right group & their events: basically a drive down to Huntingdon, oxford (?) to visit & cause 7 shades of merry-hell at HLS (Huntingdon Lifes Sciences) animal murdering labs. ¾’s of the way down we all stopped at a car-park & everyone got out their pre-prepared sandwiches. Me, knowing I’d probably be there all day & not wishing to miss out on at least one meal that day – had in the morning, on the way to our meeting point, had visited a local sandwich shop & got my usual, at that time, of a huge cheese & onion bap (thinking about it now – was the cheese even vegetarian? Holy crap knows and to be honest I couldn’t give a flying fuck – to me cheese is cheese! Only later did i realize that sometimes they use animal rennet as a firming agent in some cheeses!). so Vicky & probs Trish or Barbara who were in the frontish seats got out their sandwhiches & began discussing them

‘what have you got in yours?’

‘oh i chose soya ham today, how about you?’

‘i’ve got soya chicken’

‘oh, thats nice’

I realised i was in unfamiliar territory here, from what I had been. Here were people who actually lived the vegan way. Like i wanted to be again, as i used to be – oh so long ago. Also i realised i didn’t want to be seen to be less in their eyes. I wanted to make a good impression, cuz i wanted to be a hardcore activist & these people were helping me achieve this aim. I put the cheese & onion butty into the bottom of my bag & the back of my mind.

Then their conversation turned to me:

‘so, yan, what have you got to eat?’

‘ummm, nothing, ummmmm, i forgot to bring anything.....!’ gulp!! Felt so guilty and like they could read me like a book, me hiding death & oppression & exploitation in my bag. And i loved my bag – my bag (to be discussed at a later date) was my soul mate holding my tools of survival in this nightmare world – yet here it was letting me down due to its evil cargo stuffed into it by an unenlightened person allowing the oppression & exploitation to continue. I felt i’d betrayed myself. I was ready to implode with my despicableness my deceit, the lies, the abysmal descent into the purgatory of total hypocrisy – which is all true, of course!

But then one of them asked:

‘would you like to share some of my sandwhiches?’

‘ummmmmmm, really? Are you sure you don’t mind?’

‘yeah, its fine, here have this’

And i ate the tastiest sandwhich ever! And i made the desicion. I am going vegan, totally, from today. And do you know what? I probably did. Ha ha ha. In a way i suppose to pay back from all those concealed feelings i’d had due to concealing my veggie (potentially) sandwhich when i was in the presence of these hardcore vegans.

To be fair, when we got home that evening I did eat my cheese and onion sandwhich with much relish – as i did love cheese & onion butties very very much!

And speaking of cheese – lets go back to 1984......

Thats the thing I couldn’t give up! I found it so difficult back then. I loved my cheese sandwiches. In fact I remember a time; with my then best friend (possibly see another chap ‘best friends’) Rich Hinds, where we made the best sandwich we could – we experimented on how to get the best white slices of bread. Spreading the margarine, slicing & placing of the cheese & then generously covering the cheese with tomato ketchup – Heinz of course! Then placing the top slice on & cutting in half, then munching the perfect sandwich! Yum!

Me & rich also tested & tried out making the perfect cup of tea too. Tetly tea bags, as i recall – as we used to sing their tv advert refrain often, harmonising on occasions. We’d put in the tea bag & then debate whether to add the sugar before or after adding the water? Think we decided before, to infuse the tea & water – then we’d debate the amount of time the tea bag was left in to strain. It was an exacting science, just the correct amount of time – too short & it came out all pissy. Too long and it became too strong. Therefore it was a felt time span to achieve the correct consistency. Then the milk needed to be added, how much? We pondered?! A bit or alot? Well, we must’ve decided that the amount was correlated by the colour of how the tea looked – as thats the template I continue to work with til this very day. And when I make tea for people at home and/or work they often say...i make a really good cup of tea. Which is a blessing and a curse equally, as it means they’ll want me to make more cups of tea ha ha ha.

So have i digressed enough? Wasn’t i on about cheese a paragraph or 7 ago? Yes I have, those recollections of mine probs originate from 1980 to 1982/3 – we’ll’ve been listening to the Jam alot & Quadrophenia by the Who & lotsa other Mod music fyi.

Back to cheese, I’d been trying to kick the habit but living in a house full of carnivores i.e. home with mum, dad, brother – andi...it wasn’t gonna happen! When i got into squatting from April 1^st 1984 was when i got into the activism of our city of Leeds & therefore my peers were all trying to shuck off all societies roles & rigmaroles & oppressions & restrictions & shite – so it was a totally liberating time for me & my mind & everything else really. Being around other vegans trying to be the best that they could be made me wanna be the best I could be too. So i substituted peanut butter for cheese & it worked. I was vegan! It was awesome, all my mates were vegan too & we’d go on protests against animal exploitation, we’d sing songs about animal experiments, we’d denounce the system that perpetuated the myth that animal experiments were permissible. We’d hear that chumbawamba were all hardcore vegans & they were very unhappy with anyone who wasn’t. We heard about some other form of activism that was better than ours & that we’d have to be more hardcore in order to reach their level, which of course they’d already surpassed & become even more radical. So we had to become more radical to catch up to them to achieve some level of ‘right-on’ness. You had to be right-on to be street-cred. Then the ‘vegan police’ emerged & was that thing you were buyoing ethical, vegan, moral, was it ethically sourced? Was it associated to apartheid? Apartheid was alive & well at this time.

True, I’d kicked cheese into touch but the current fashion was to wear Italian para boots – 2^nd hand from Leeds flea market stalls on a Thursday...so i had a pair & loved those boots!!!! And i had a hand-made knitted black woollen jumper that I rocked. Yeah, my veganism was a bit shaky – though so was everyones to be fair back then. No wonder we had the vegan police, but still they couldn’t be everywhere & there were a few guilty individuals slipping through their net. Like me with what I was wearing – but I didn’t realise truly. I thought it was ok.

Up to the present. I think it was 2012 when I had my affair, well cat1 said i needed to take an anti-thrush pill from the chemist..it was a gelatine capsule. I took it, fully knowing what it was but again I was living on my own then. My electricity was on the poverty-line as was my heating. My access to the kids was limited to seeing them to take or pick up from school. I was drowning in beer but without heating or energy to cook food. Man, it was a bad time. And it was the height of winter. Maybe if I’d truly wanna be alone I could’ve slugged it out – well, i did til april methinks 2013. But back end of 2011 or 2012. When she told me i needed to take this tablet i thought i will to help you out. I know what gelatine is. But was prepared to do it. Now I would refuse, or take it out of the capsule & put it into a rizla paper & bomb it. Or seek alternatives, so as to stay true to veganism.

Yeah thats the dark side of my veganism. 5 or 6 or more times of dubious animal liberation criteria met. But not much about my thoughts or philosophy about animal rights. Maybe thats cuz i’m not much of a philosophiser. Maybe more later

CHAPTER NINE

9 random shit

dunno what to write about now actually – just thought id leave it open.

Via a facebook message/convo :

right, me 15 year old punk, Lyn a 14 yo punkette (all my mates say she's dead into sex lol - me, ohh errr cuz i'm shy & inexperienced, ok?) well we meet up & she's very short but adorable & wears bright orange dresses!!! amazing, we get on & i ask her oput & so we meet at local youth club & smooch a bit, then it snows but I still walk the 5 miles to her house (i like walking!) and meet her & chat - all about her life, her sister, her mom....we go & visit my grandma whom she lives near....occasionally i kiss her goodnbight when i walk back home at midnight.....yup no sex...she's too damn adorable!....one day she comes to my house, we nick a bottle of mom & dads wine get squiffy...go into my older bro's room & hack into his CB radio...i chat wiv my buddies..lyn's all wow I've never been on CB before...ha ha ha so I saID hav a go, so she goes '1,9 for a copy?...1, 9 for a copy...etc she 'smashes a window' goes to a channel wiv a buddy of mine & we chat.....then she says hey, i know what i can do on yr CB radio...& i says what Lyn?

'i will fanny fart'

Via fb again!

its another epic - which i will drastically shorten [promise....altho, i'm trying to write a book, so interesting stuff i copy n paste & whack it into my autobiog ha ha ha]
ummmm girl i met friend of weirdo strange person i met in south wales - he called shelly (after the poet...lol) her: leigh. looked like bjork!
half way thru or 2/3rds of my 1st year of art course... i needed a model - asked her...anyways, 2nd year, think me & her got to going out...and she was pretty awesome...wow! the sex! ahem...anyroad got to 3rd year of course...her friends said once on a bus 'its nice yr going out wiv leigh yan'
i say 'yeah, she's cool'
they say' its nice cuz yr quite good looking & cuz she's a bit ugly - y'know you must make her feel good'

seriously this convo did happen - was gobsmacked! & these r her friends!!!!!

said before i'm not bothered by looks prefer personality etc! but fer fucks sake! she was gorgeous - ok maybe uglee to 'beautiful' people but i loved her for who she was etcd etc.

can't remeber why we split but was amicable, but it happened.

6 months later i heard she was in hospital - from shelley, whilst we were in a smeggy nightclub, trying to chat up girls (welsh girls - yup was in south wales ha ha ha) he said the doctors woke her up & said that 30 foot wall you fell off whilst drunk was dangerous - you are lucky to be alive - she said wow! then they said we're sorry to say that your baby didn't survive..oh? thats weird she said [i hope]

i went WTF! that was my baby!!!! lol! or awwwwww!!! dunno really what happened then - i'd finished my course, then i moved back to Leeds started this course, dropped out...got alcoholic to the point of very lucky to be alive.

when one night i phone Leigh up and say 'will you marry me?' bearing in mind i ain't spoken to her for about a year - she was in my thoughts is all I can guess...her reply
'awwww yan thats soo cool, but my bf just asked me last week so i'm taken - sorry'

ha ha ha

true story

wonder if she had a nice wedding

did i tell you she looked like bjork

so she did

never ever EVER have i been as shocked as i was - or so well-known in the CB community around Leeds....

she was awesome

anyroad, i was her best mate - went out for about 6 months with her, only snogged her, never even - well maybe felt her boobs a bit...i respected our friendship (IDIOT!!!!!FOOL!!!NAIVE FUCK_HEAD< etc)...then she went back out wiv her evil ex who used to tie her up & perform weird sexually charged things wiv her...that she used to tell me on her & my chats we had in the previous 6 months......

later she came back to me & i was friends wiv her - cuz i loved her so much...then a very short man...same size as her actually stole her from me...which was alright cuz i was into loving everyone at the time & wanted everyone to be happy.

or was it the glue-sniffing addiction i had? maybe that...

i heard back from her 6 months later as she's been sent to a psychiatric adolescent unit for suicidal thoughts....haydon park or somewhere....which was amazingly funny, cuz\ my UBER best mate Amy was in there also due to a psycho boyfriend sending her a bit whacko.....

again all this was funny cuz i was currently in a psychiatric adolescent unit myself for glue-sniffing & a 'death wish'.......

anyway come the magic age of 16 PING...everyone ran away...i did & lived happily ever after....

yup FANNY FARTING! thats my amazing story, she is/was/forever will be a star in my eyes.....

it opened up a whole new universe i wasn't aware of lol

sorry, i tend to ramble blah blah blah xxx

from organize and arise message board: http://www.organizeandarise.org

yeah know what you mean - i do hav a funny football story, soz if i rambl;e...i'm kinda doing a story book of my life - so some of these recollections go into the saved documents of it for potential deletion into cyber-hell or saved into cyber unheaven & one day published on the web - for peeps to ignore & never read.....where the fuck is peter j swanson or whatevs these days? anyroad

1994 finished my art degree, holy fuck i passed & got a desmond! yup a 2:2!!! (BA Hons suckers!!!!!...yan tree BA hons lol!) but then my PGCE at Wakefield art college descended into farce and very swiftly into Greek tragedy and Romanesque rivalry..et tu brute!....anyway managing to slowly take all the knives stuck into my back - i settled into debaUCHERY of a dole fiend back in my home town of Leeds...drunkenness was taken to life threatening levels, but wtf i was an artist! I lived it Vincent!!! i know where you was coming from...yup I'd aquired that pretentiousness all art students are afflicted with - ain't we all Leonardo's or Michelangelo's or any other mutant Ninja teenasge turtle you can imagine! well one very thin strand of the time...i existed & barely lived thru between 1994 and 1997 was my Mom was a school teacher & her school received 5 free Leeds United Football Club tickets for games at Elland Road! wow!!!!! or so you'd think!

i used to try & sell them to my mates - who were on low-income & were, if you believed the 90% of all their talk all about the home team LUFC & their amazing/dreadful performances etc etc (in the uk, i think the indigenous city dwellers either embrace the home town or maybe 5 % drift onto Manchester United - for weird reasons...or they become like the 1.3% of existential disparate souls - whom think watching a whole bunch of millionaires running around advertizing such wanky earth murdering companies for more profit of corporate whores - has lost some of the spirit of 'sport' - maybe i'm wrong, dunno? now do i giv a fek?!)

anyroad up yeah, do ya wanna buy a very cheap ticket to see your favourite team, on their home ground play some other team & maybe win?...uhh no, can't afford it this week..etc etc...happenend again & again until the one time it was my once was best mates birthday & I decided to give them the fucking tickets!, it was so freaking awesome that i really have no recollection if they or we ever actually went to the game...i have a strange notion of being on the footbaLL bus...& chatting - but that may be my over-active imagination...may ask him one day.

so, basically i used to go on my own! - it meant nothing to me - all that my team versus your team was well & truly not a part of my psyche - dunno if it ever was to be fair. right the crux of my slightly amusing (i hope) story is that: on this fateful day, i was there sat in the corner end of the kop - or whatevs Leeds fans named that part of Elland Road as Leeds Utd were playing Man U....the ball was going here & then there & the ants on the pitch were darting hither & thither! all very exciting I'm sure, the crowd was rousing in their songs...the anthems were chanted, the denunciations of the ref were vocal and explicit...all very very entertaining! me, i was freezing my bollox off, i was wearing my psuedo wooly hat, had my gloves on yet still my ass cheeks were turning into blocks of ice...fuck i needed a ciggy methought...until, hey hey hey - wtf is this...some dude has got the ball & the noize pitch has risen noticeably. wow, that is some neat ball work! omg! i was watching some real football action! explicit & real in front of my very eyes! it was almost pornographic - the skills & deftness with which those individuals were overpowering those lesser mortals with a spherical globe type thing twas wonderful...and oh oh ohhhhh what a kick!!!! omg he's fucking awesome OMG OMGGGGG he's scored an absolute fucking mega fucking GGGGOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!! i was up on my feet ! jumping up and down!!! clapping & screaming!!!! awesome!!!! what a display of proficient prowess!!!!! yyyeeeaaaahhhhh!!!!!!! it was.....ummmmmmm it wa s....ummmm why isn't everyone around m,e going crazy????????? why isn't............. ohhhhhhhhhh he's wearing red not white.............oops

i was only just cheering for the opposing team! ha ha ha ha - twas a wicked goal to be fair & amazing display of the art of football - seriously ---yet those blinkered fans couldn't allow themselves to appreciate it cuz their team was losing.

i quickly regained my composure & sat down & nowt else of note happened but it made me think

then again it waSN'T THE only time...lolol, next time I'll tell you when i went to the Britannia stadium and sitting oin the Stoke City side wearing my LUFC scarf ha ha ha

thats it - finished

CHAPTER TEN

10 squatting

1984 Aprils fools day! The urban renewal squat

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Religion

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, etc ad in finitum!

Well, where to begin with such a topic? Which evokes so much discussion & opinion & actually has impacts upon peoples’ lives also. Jeez, what can i, myself add – that probably hasn’t been mentioned a million times before. Really? Nothing. But as its an opinion thingy here will be mine

Sorry, can’t stop laughing uncontrollably again ...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (see 1^st sentence).

Which is your leader, which is your flock

Which is your god, which is your way?....

Where next Columbus – crass lyrics....

Anothers hope, anothers game,
Anothers loss, anothers gain,
Anothers lies, anothers truth,
Anothers doubt, anothers proof.
Anothers left, anothers right,
Anothers peace, anothers fight,
Anothers name, anothers aim,
Anothers fall, anothers fame.
Anothers pride, anothers shame,
Anothers love, anothers pain,
Anothers hope, anothers game,
Anothers loss, anothers gain.
Anothers lies, anothers truth,
Anothers doubt, anothers proof.
Anothers left, anothers right,
Anothers peace, anothers fight.

Marx had an idea from the confusion of his head,
Then there were a thousand more waiting to be led.
The books are sold, the quotes are bought,
You learn them well and then you're caught.
Anothers left, anothers right,
Anothers peace, anothers fight.

Mussolini had an idea from the confusion of his heart,
Then there were a thousand more waiting to play their part.
The stage was set, the costumes worn
And anothers empire of destruction born.
Anothers name, anothers aim,
Anothers fall, anothers fame.

Jung had an idea from the confusion of his dream,
Then there were a thousand more waiting to be seen.
You're not yourself the theory says,
But I can help, your complex pays.
Anothers hope, anothers game,
Anothers loss, anothers gain.

Sartre had an idea from the confusion of his brain,
Then there were a thousand more indulging in his pain,
Revelling in isolation and existential choice;
Can you trully be alone when you use anothers voice?
Anothers lies, anothers truth,
Anothers doubt, anothers proof.

The idea born in someones mind
Is nurtured by a thousand blind
Anonymous beings, vacuous souls,
Do you fear the confusion, your lack of control?
You lift your arm to write a name,
So caught up in the identity game.
Who do you see? Who do you watch?
Who's your leader? Which is your flock?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who's your leader? Which is your flock?
Who's your leader? Which is your flock?
Who's your leader? Which is your flock?
Who's your leader? Which is your flock?

Einsten had an idea from the confusion of his knowledge,
Then there were a thousand more turning to advantage.
They realised that their god was dead,
So they reclaimed power through the bomb instead.
Anothers code, anothers brain,
They'll shower us all in deadly rain,

Jesus had an idea from the confusion of his soul,
Then there were a thousand more waiting to take control.
The guilt is sold, forgiveness bought,
The cross is there as your reward.
Anothers love, anothers pain,
Anothers pride, anothers shame.

Do you watch at a distance from the side you have chosen?
Whose answers serve you best? Who'll save you from confusion?
Who will leave you an exit and a comfortable cover?
Who will take you so near their edge, but never drop you over?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?
Who do you watch? Who do you watch?

I know its a cop-out quoting other peoples stuff, but crass’ ideas are/were bloody liberating – when as a young kid you had either your parents views to balance your emerging thoughts with, or the schools lessons, or tv, or significant others...such as churches & their kinda biased approach to the question of religion.

Quite quickly, as a young 14 year old i realised that my parents will have had just about the same experiences as i had as i was growing up – yet they didn’t have the liberating aspect of punk rock & the revolution of thought it inspired. So i could kind of listen to them about the good bits but totally ignore all the stuff i didn’t like. In the name of punk rock, oh punk what a liberation you are! I do wonder if my kids will find punk or an alternative form of rebellion – or just discount anything i say cuz i’m their dad? Who knows? Really though, maybe thats the whole point. Cuz around 14 is when i truly got into thinking about all this stuff for myself. It was my ground zero. I had to re-think everything from the ground up! And almost all of it was shit!

My dad seemed to be the most religious person in the family, taking us to various churches, when we (family) were still young. It was – oh, its Sunday – wonder where he’s gonna take us today? We’d visit a church somewhere next to West Park, which is where my grandma lived, and do the churchy thing – which i cannot recall at all – must’ve been a bit young maybe. Unless it was the dreaded mormon church. Oh yeah, at some point my dad decided we were mormons – so he used to take us their on a weekday? & weekend – Saturday? Or Sunday? I vaguely recall Sunday school...in an almost ‘the Simpsons’ scene....hell, hell hell!!!!!

Worst bit was when i was about 11 years old i have distinct memories of wearing an all white floor-length dress, being led into a tiny swimming pool. & then being dunked by this bloke. Head under water & everything! Oh fucking hell – i’ve just been baptised into the mormon church! To my utter most shame! I mean i’d managed 11 years on this planet – true, with my parents & siblings and i hadn’t been christened....which is my own personal succour when i think about this heinous abuse upon my person! In the name of religion.

Why, oh why, do they have to save your soul? Why do they feel the need to tell you how brilliant god is or jesus or any other prophet or religious bod? Why? Its the same with Buddhists, or those who shout out gourranga! Or some such shite?

But then again, i’m being disingenuous – obviously – cuz i’m a vegan (true of 20+ years so i’m a bit jaded nowadays – but back in the early days i had an almost ‘religious zeal’) and back in the day when i first learnt all about the abuses that happen continuously to animalkind I had a vigour & a mission to make those ignorant masses to see the light and discredit their pious ways & embrace the vegan way of life and that would make the animals happy & me. Funnily enough, all those carnivores (and some omnivores) actually couldn’t give a shit & i bet were well pissed off that i was trying to convert them into a ‘way-of-life’ they were not gonna adopt, ever! But that just increased my fervour and my stories of more suffering and more explicit abuses upon the poor fucking animals (which is the saddest bit cuz all i spoke was the truth – not the supposed stuff that you get from the bible) – whic of course usually met with increased refusals & more heated arguments about how I was wrong & brainwashed & how we are all carnivores & if we weren’t the human race would not have existed or survived. Which i would shrug off & continue about animal abuse & then get into vivisection.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Drugs

Ha ha ha

Drugs/alcohol

Man, i’ve done many drugs! Yet i’ve done more alcohol & still do, than can be healthy. Yet I’m still alive & will continue to do so. Shite! I’ve been smoking since 11 & i’m now or will be 48! Cut down so freaking much yet still having a beer & a ciggy is – to me – having a good time, sad i know.

Lets see: list time: 1^st beer was mild @ the welcombe pub, then went onto tetleys bitter age 14...& all the fun that was around that place!

Solvent abuse?! Doh i got into glue sniffing from a young age (maybe cuz i got abused younger & felt i didn’t care about any shit dunno, when i told my folks about the abuse they said ‘oh, that explains a lot of things’ - & then promptly ignored it ha ha ha, fairy snuff) about 14 or 15 – went straight to evo stik! I tell you ity was fucking awesome! The hallucinations were incredible! My wrecked memory can barely recall alot of the stuff that happened – probs due to brain damage! Physically i got liver damage, about 14% of my liver got killed by the aGE of 15 by solvent abuse – though later it repaired itself – or so i hope i was told, unfortunately with my current alcohol habit I’m probs killing it more slowly but more devastatingly & irreparably oh dear!

Dope/ganga/cannabis/weed: entropy cottage, pog, then squatting!!!! & hawkwind & chillumz – Stonehenge!LSD!

Amsterdam: when 16 with sam...opium.speed.dope07-23-2011, 11:00 AM #881

yan tree

Cyberpunk as Fuck Punk to the bone

Join Date

Jul 2010

Posts

2,620

i find it surprising that i never did any sex on any drugs! and i did a shit-load of pretty powerful drugs back in the day. yet i don't feel i've missed out or anything.....sure it would've been awesome, like the trips etc.
last time i had some shit-hot skunk...it made me really horny all night...but thats about it

07-24-2011, 07:05 PM #889

yan tree

Cyberpunk as Fuck Punk to the bone

Join Date

Jul 2010

Posts

2,620

Originally Posted by portena violenta

i just turn autistic or something on mushrooms. i don't want people touching me, can't make eye contact, just wanna stare at the sky or hide in a pillow fort. i took a nice dose of mushies on the beach once right at sunset. it was glorious. the euphoria was unbelievable...can't imagine fucking in that situation.

i'm not even going to lie, i'm too scared to try acid. i'm a medically diagnosed obsessive compulsive, and i fear that there are just somethings i couldn't talk my way through- a bad trip being one of them =b

stay away, my friend did 2 microdots...at 2 different times...1st time he really got zoned out and believed a fantasy world was true....2nd - he lost the plot entirely, ran around the city, nude whilst eating his own shit....from my best friend...not good!....had psychiatric help! long time later - his personality is different yet he's a teacher in Wales...but if you don't wanna do it - don't!

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Anarchism

Started with meeting a vocal socialist at age of 14, listening to anarchy in the uk by sex pistols & listening to punk rock bands like anti pasti, crass, exploited, devo, uk subs, made me merge the socialist ideals i’d heard & liked into the ideals of anarchy cuz of the ‘there is no authority only yourself’ vibe from those records. And the anti-social nature i was developing & the ongoing hatred of the whole capitalistic exploitation of the whole planet.

I had a death vibe too as a young teenager, after i got expelled from lawnswood & went to special school – for 2 or 3 afternoons a week & then i got introduced to crime (thanks tony xx) i got a probationer worker who was a young (though old to me at the time) woman who diagnosed me as having a ‘death wish’ but i was just fascinated by it! I didn’t actually try to commit suicide until 1995 – twice, so i guess in the long term view she was right. Oh, & when i tried to cut my wrist veins i was listening to ‘anarchy’ by chumbawumba....guess thats the most anarcho thing i’ve ever done?! Maybe, maybe not ha ha ha

Anarchy to me? Gholy fucling satan, somehow i think it could work, sometimes not – it depends on how i’m feeling on that particular day.

Destroy the system from within, for the roots of the system lie with.....

Ok, more from March 2013 now:

One book, of the many I’ve read about/describing anarchy, stands out and that is ‘the dispossessed’ by Ursula k le guin....basically its a work of fiction, written in the 70’s (?) based on an anarchist colony living on the moon. Our earth – our moon, but set in some dystopian future. What happened was a revolution happened on earth & the perpetrators were shipped off to moon, they must’ve terraformed it so it was capable of sustaining human existence. And it goes from there. True, i probably ain’t re-read it for about a decade and i used to read it quite often but I do remember the opening line.....’there was a wall’.....and that started it.

There’s much more i’d like to add to this bit on anarchism, but i want to move on to other stuff – so check back later for more updates.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

work in progress...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

(born) work (consume, die)...

Ok, it’s a bit weird thinking about the work ethic and all. I’ll try not to be too naive about it. As an anarchist I believe that work should be done, to benefit everyone. Not to make money for those up above. Their, capitalistic hierarchies, which make us exploiters by striving to achieve a living wage whilst others are homeless. Whilst managers are paid so much more to do, what appears to be so less strenuous work, maybe stressful? Yet i believe in total equality, a levelling if you will, such as the levellers of the 17^th century, English civil war groupage http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Levellers ?

Yup, being a wage-slave, just as so many are. When those in royalty, or privileged positions due to being born into the rich’s elite, for example. Is abhorrent to my sensibilities, level the playing field – take the money, power, wealth, land, from the richest from all the planet. And re-distribute around the planet and then, only then, may I be slightly happy about doing a job i love.

So by giving my time & energy I got money in return for it, apart from possibly ‘pocket money’ from my parents (which i saved up, took walks into Horsforth with brothers, and bought Airfix model kits to be made at a later time! Good days!!!!) – why i deserved money from my parents for just being there – amazed me totally! But as I could buy stuff, i wasn’t about to complain – especially when later i’d walk, this time on my own to Asda (before the Wal-Mart days) to buy schloeur drinks or the shop at the top of the road to buy 2 or 4 litres of ice cream; vanilla, or choc my fave & guzzle outrageously! Yeah 1^st job i had via my Mum was on a milk round. Was half-way thru middle school at the time. Must’ve been between ages 9/10 – 12/13.....guess in the middle, 11 or 12. It was working on a van, with my boss – who had a beard & another lad, who’d worked a bit longer there & was a year or two older. Can’t remember how much i got but it was a fun time. Getting up at 5.30 am (ish) sometimes very very sleepy, sometimes very very cold. Most of the milk round was around Iveson Drive kind of areas. If you know Ireland Wood aREA of Leeds, that’d help.

Recall, the back of the truck/van – lots of milk bottles, two full bottles could be held by one hand each. The empties, could be collected about four at a time – each hand, due to fingers, could be inserted into the bottle openings. Sometimes we’d sit on the back of the truck, whilst moving & jump off with the bottles ready to deliver. Oh yeah, whilst on the back, we’d make up songs about our boss, cuz of his facial hair, would be about monkeys or the funky gibbon. Relating to the Goodies TV prog that was ever so funny & on TV at the time. The best days were Saturdays – which were longer, yet we used to have a break around 10 or 11 o clock. Then we’d sit in the front of the van, be allowed a bottle of milk to drink and we’d have a mars bar! Wow! What an awesome treat it seemed to be back then. That’s about all i can remember of that part of my life.

March 2013: ok, so that was the earliest I can remember of being a wage slave making money for those up above! (Mob quote in case you’re wondering). It is weird isn’t it when you think about it.

Milk: non-vegans who drink it probably just think it comes from cows, put into bottles or more likely plastic litre bottles & they consume it from supermarket shelves. But it’s more than that isn’t it. Without going into animal rights too much – or maybe i will...who knows at this point! I don’t.

Well, milk is cow milk (or goat or donkey or rat or cat or any mammalian creature i guess who rears their offspring this way – who get exploited or don’t by humans...quite) and for mummy cow to make the stuff they have to be ‘made’ pregnant! Then their offspring have to be removed when they’re born otherwise they’d steal the humans white stuff (for their tea/coffee/cornflakes) hello veal crates etc etc. Yeah so this pregnant cow who is yielding milk about 50% more than they did in the 1950’s have to go to the milking shed where the milk is mechanically retrieved into a big container I guess. Next part of journey is a tanker comes to the dairy farm & takes the white stuff to i guess milk refineries paying an amount to dairy farmer for the yield. Now some of this milk will be pasteurised, sterilized, etc for bottling. Some will go to make yoghurt, cheese, and other milk based-products. Of the free flowing variety some will be poured into glass bottles for the minority of ‘milk-men/women’ to deliver to doorsteps (i guess some people still receive milk this way) – i guess much more will go into plastic litre bottles to end up on supermarket shelves to be picked up by consumers for their tea/coffee cornflakes. Fascinating stuff, I’m on a night shift & I’m rambling about stuff i don’t know & am only guessing ha ha ha. Also this is not what I intended with this writing...i was gonna deconstruct the capitalist cycle of paying peanuts to producers...well the cows get grass & stuff to eat...don’t think they have peanuts?! But guess i meant dairy farmers needing to sell say a pint of milk for 11pence (as a wild guesstimate) and the supermarkets selling it on for 10pence a pint – therefore making the dairy farms unprofitable & possibly sending them into a despairing round of suicides & closing their family businesses unless it’s a factory farm on agribusiness levels and probs owned by a transnational corporation like a supermarket chain so they could subsidize the loss with profits from somewhere else. Which i know nothing about but like I’ve said about a few times already – i guess.

Think this was an issue in the news recently – last year or 2 where farmers were asking for solidarity to make sure they were being given enough money & not priced outta business. Think some vegans began debating whether they should support the poor farmers in their plight as it was against big business or not. Ha! The enemy of my enemy is my friend? Or not. Nah, I’m against the exploitation of cows’ full stop – well any animal or human for that matter so NOOOOOOooooooooo!!!!!!

Human freedom, animal rights. One struggle, one fight. Thank you & moving on!

OOOooohhhh next job was.....ummmmmm can’t recall at all, so will do a bit of random word/reminiscence therapy to unlock those hidden texts within my neural relapses – those broken links might once again forge to let the past flow through unhindered by current stuff...well i can but hope.

Milk round, Holt Park Middle school, Holt Park library...a wizard of earthsea trilogy, paper round????? Nope never did a paper round. 11 yo, 12 yo....13yo was when i went to Lawnswood High school...so go back to 11 & 12...middle school classmate: graham, David little (who was little J), Elizabeth <3 (she fainted when we had a bcg injection – awwww swoon), Jennifer, Scott, Clive, Adam whitworth, darts LP ‘daddy cool’ ahhh must you tube this song as it was in the charts & quite fun at the time. Ah I remember bunking off (truanting) for 1^st ever time – my middle bro was doing it a few times & wanting to be a bit like him....also it was Friday afternoon & double maths loomed. Spent the day in Holt park & Ireland wood area. Some of it in the ruins of what is nowadays a pub called the???High farm????

No, still no jobs looming on the horizon but I do remember wanting to join the Royal Marines! Must’ve been all those war films; 366 squadron, the green beret, battle of Britain, commando comics, toy plastic soldiers, airfix kits!!!!! On & on so the story goes. Yeah in the centre of leeds city centre is a bridge. Near the Tetley brewery, over the river aire a kind of weird bit of concrete spanning the river. On it are a few buildings that look like army barracks, a flag pole, parade ground and – the killer – an anti aircraft type-gun-thingy!!! Aeroilken???? That is where the Marine & Sea cadets, in Leeds hang-out. At a guess i may’ve been 11 or 12 when i happened upon them. As I said before wanted to be in the Royal Marines, just a bit too young & ever so naive so the cadets were the next best thing! When I applied, found out a fire-fighter buddy of my Dads was one of the NCO’s in the Cadets (so that was nice), the crushing news i found out was that the marines were not currently recruiting for at least another 6 months! Argh and, if you’re of an age like unto mine...time & its passage as a tween seemed to go at a snail’s pace...whereas nowadays entering my soon to be 5^th decade on this planet, it disappears at the speed of light if not faster! So yeah 6 months was almost a fatal crushing blow to me back then, but a life-line was offered...the sea cadets are always recruiting....oh, i suppose i could join them then. So i did.

Continued in sea-marine cadets bit >>>>>>

Back to work...oh the post modernist irony of it!

As of course i was in school – high school from 13 yo to (well, ideally 16 – or even 18 if i’d’ve gone to the 6^th form... but truth be told, i only made it til...) 15 at school then i was suspended many times then finally expelled. Then i went to Highlands Adolescent unit of our local mental hospital or psychiatric facility nowadays lol...sure i’ve gone into more detail in t’other place about this aspect yes?

On me 16^th birthday I was busted out of said psychiatric unit & within about a week I had a job! Working, as a labourer, on a building site. Well, with a building firm actually cos i got to do quite a varied amount of stuff that mostly i found very interesting & hard-energetic work that was mostly fulfilling and i got real money on the Friday in a pay packet & on the Friday night to Sunday morning i could go out & get shit-faced with aforementioned money using mostly alcohol to achieve said state of shit facedness! Happy days!!! Worked with Devine & Pearson builders, situated in North Yorks...skipton, Harrogate type way. Often working in places such as pateley bridge or Knaresborough. One time i stayed on site in a teeny caravan with my mate Dave Pratt, in Malton, Pickering, near Scarborough – we were building a swimming pool in my auntie & uncles care home. Playing acoustic guitar in the evening & drinking real ale in the teeny pubs & trying to chat up the female health care’s, and barmaids – all very unsuccessfully. Still, there was a rampaging gun-toting crazy dude on the rampage in the area shooting people dead! They called in Pately Bridge, ex SAS, tracker bloke to try & hunt him down....1983 was the date...again google search for this historical knowledge to further pad out this gobildidook i call my history....anyway its 20 past 6am this fine 29^th march and i’m on company time (doing a night shift!) so i better do what i’m supposed to do. Ta ta for now.

Ummmmm, yeah now its 1^st October 2013. 23.34 already! After that real job i had – i became a nightclub frequenting, squatting, punk rocker who existed within the unemployable category of mine own diseased brain. Basically I signed on the dole & stayed signed-on for as long as bloody possible! As an anarchist i justified as ‘sucking off the system that’d given me my name... ...do they owe us a living? Course they do course they do. Do they owe us a living – course they do, course they do. Do they owe us a living? Of course they fucking do!

During this time which i may flesh – out within other sections (if my booze – addled brain can eek out any cognitive real- recollections) such as squatting or punk or anarchy or whatever!

But work did rear its oh, so ugly smegging head. Cuz the fun bit about doing a job you hate/loathe/despise or don’t like doing fer bloody hells’ sake is that, ummm ahhh errrr – you get paid! Ha ha ha, what a downer for an anti-capitalist – M.O.N.E.Y = corruption, corruption, corruption! Money is the root of all evil!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vjs9nM3Yd6w

yeah, so when i wasn’t doing chillums or acid or shrooms or fucking-shit-up i occasionally did some cash-in-hand work for a mate of the family. Which either comprised me cleaning windows or doing removals. I did more windows than i care to recall but it was entertaining I guess. Basically for getting out of my squat ghetto & meeting suburban working-wannabe-middle class people & cleaning their windows! The big ones i liked cuz it was an easy swipe, in the corners & then wipe away the smudges. But hell, the ones with about 100 little panes in a regular window – now that is just plain sadism! Did the marquis de sade do window design? Whilst in some windowless cell somewhere to piss off some anarcho window cleaner 2 or 3 century later than his existence on this planet earth – allowed him to construe such evil tortures to subjugate & defoul! Oh yeah! Hell ain’t got a thing on many-panelled window frames baby! But the cups of tea made whikst negotiating ladders and buckets of hot soapy watyer & occasional fags & chats about the weirdness & defiling aspect of organized religions – that just seemed to cause suffering & wars & much murder & death across this beautiful planet by sad people in the name of religion, sure was more grist to t’mill for me. Chatting away to Steve, whom was my boss on this venture into quite an obvious benefit fraud. I must’ve made about 10 or 20 quid a week via this workaholic thingy that i wasn’t into at all really. Steve was though cuz i’ve heard that through various business ventures & being a landlord & stuff – he’s now a self-=made millionaire. Fair play to the man. As long as he ain’t seriously screwing anyone over. Got no problem with him & his work ethic – which was awesome. He never stopped, he was networking about 3 decades before it became a buzzword of sad type people who think oit works just cuz you say it does.

Not much of a working life really whilst within the ghetto of anrcho-punk-squot land to be fair. Occasionally I’d help my mum with a jumble sale or help her paint some scenery at her school for the latest play she was masterminding. Until one day – as i somehow realized that the squatting scene was unravelling ever so muchly. It was around the time when people became maore scarce & i spent alot of time with my lovely friend Jenny, cycling around. & i went into higher education on an Art A level course with tutor Geoff Larwood – ha ha ha what a bloke! Bet he used to go to the local pub at lunch-time. Also did art history o level (got an A grade!!!! Think its the only one i ever got!). oh yeah, i must’ve had a Stalinist 5 yaer plan cuz i did environmental Science too (think jylly D [ravenheart] {Gill Seyfang} inspired me on this) and maths o level – which i crashed & burned ha ha ha – the tutor, an evil dwarf, said – in class – that i was a Satanist ha ha ha. Nope never have been. Inspired by Satanists, inspired by anton ley vays ‘satanic bible’ but not a practioner – sorry. True, yes i became a fully fledged self-consecrated witch – but that was in an anarcho-wiccan path. But he was funny, used to think about poisons coming in small bottles during his decrepit & unmotivated lessons.

By this time I was getting ready to leave the warm-womb-void of the squat & re-enter capitalism incorporated. Yup i moved into Hartley avenue, possibly in & around the Royal park area of leeds. Opposite the school where my mom was still teaching & just down from the pub of same name & infamy. Was there for about a year. I constructed a scale model of Stonehenge. Visited penny & her kids about a street away. Had Roz (now faith)(was Hannibal the cannibal) come round & read my tarot cards with awesome undeniable clarity! Scary!! Met a weird girl one time....duuno which bit to put this in – but as i’m here....guess i’ll carry on.

During the last days of squatting at 37 hartley avenue (possibly) Upheaval, the socialist band from scarborough called & stayed at my house. It was 2 brothers – who were friends of Active Minds – another duo of brothers! I was not unaware of the dualistic nature of said synchronicity & causality to be sure buit I respected their heart felt socialist ideals and felt a common vibe with their wanting to do a split 7” single with me, yan tree. Cool. At some point I went to lion studios in leeds city centre & recorded about 5 songs with brother david who kindly paid for the studio time – as i was kinda skint – as i was on the dole (& hadn’t done a week of window cleaning in about 2 or 3 years!). anyway advance a few months & by now i was renting a place on the east side of hell.

4 stories come to mind! 1^st is the pidgeon:

2^nd is lack of punkers around – me allowed to roam the musical spectrum & found an artist & tried my ghardest to get into it. & then one day a random bunch of hXc punkers decend & decide my pop princess is the new paragon of feminism within this blighted sexist land – i thought they were just uneducated/ign orant fool;s who were trying to make me feel better for listening to pop/bland music. I used to go into town & mooch around, not like my initial squatting days of acid-fuelled, cloak wielding, thinking i was death coming to suck your soul – whilst going to sign-on. Nope, now – then, i was just trying to spot a bargain! Got pearl jam vitology cassette for bargain price! And the black n white cover of this female sinegr seemed really cool, plus she was in the charts – hey, i was being post-modernist before it became cool – how cool is that. (still can’t recll her name & wifi is down at moment so i cant google/youtube her to seem mega cool 7 refrain from saying her name – basically at this inebriated time – oi haven’t got a clue, have some drunken flashes of it flitting thru my brain but thats all they are flitting fl;ashes – check in alter for who i’m talking about!

3^rd Also i left my door open all the day/night long & used to get weird visitors

4^th And the classic – going to scarboro to pick up 7”’s & that poem!

Anyway after all that recollection bollocks, this chapter is titled work! And the only jobs i can recall of this period are from when i moved to Dewsbury 1990-1991. I left Royal park area on the same day that Leeds punk Olympics happened that i didn’t organize happened – but I did suggest – and i did publicize it. So i moved into this house & various shite happened here – some good, alot bad. But I did do work here – well, not here but in Bradford. I worked voluntarily at the 1 in 12 clubs vegan cafe whenever i could. Making burgers or going shopping for chips. I do recall making some stuff for an all-dayer. And this 7 foot Glaswegian Mohican dude saying give me a veggie burger for 10p and me standing up & saying – fuck no way! It costs us x amount to make, cook, get supplies & do other shit so pay the price – dude! I felt my life was going to be altered soon after this exchange yet after some more banter I think we agreed a compromise & everyone was happy.

During this time a chap was painting the front of the building – an experienced muraliste – whereas i had ideas and books of Breughals hell-nation & i was imagining creatures of a H P lovecraft type dimension. Whereas this artist ‘Tim Cousins’ (very possibly???) had a working philoshopy & i tried my hardest to help him out in all aspects of his work – whenever i could get time off college cux college was a full-time course, except evenings or weekends. Oh yeah, i’d stopped drinking alcohol during these times.

Did i mention Leeds Peace Centre? During Jacob Kramer art college time? More voluntary work 3 days a week at least? In leeds city centre. I was a less-than workaholic ha ha ha but i used to cycle there n back. It was a time when i was good friends with Jen & we used to bike around a bit together. Which is funny cuz it seems like its a forgotten memory surfacing . will see if she has any memories of this time!

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

13 ½ nursing

Fuck me! February, 1997 project 2000 was the scheme i was linked into....could’ve done the same course in March – but after the year i’d had trying to get into nursing, man, i just wanted the quickest entry into it so stoke instead of Manchester was to be my fate! And so be it!

After my awesome interview which i vaguely remember, saying, after i’d met a fireman of about 40 or 50 years old, that – to the 2 or 3 male interviewers, that i had a criminal record a mile long for crimes against the system...against animal abuse – but none for harm, that they were impressed by my honesty & would i like a place on their course?

25^th April 2013: suppose this relates to the ‘work’ chap eventually – but will see how it pans out. I had a plan, kinda that when i was doing my art degree...i’d do a pgce to be a primary school art teacher. Well I got a place at bretton hall college doing secondary school art. The art was great but the curriculum stuff was a pain in the arse & then the’authority figure’ they wanted you to be the ‘god’ in the classroom with discipline almost more important than the education was anathema to me & it was basically what became the biggest problem with the college & the teaching mentors – especially at one school, Crawshaw in Pudsey. It was a shite situation. The teaching & the kids were brill but all the other bullshit was fucking awful – so after being called back to college again & again to see this boss or that boss & them giving me the same shite i got when i was a school kid. Totally realized this career pathway was not one i was going to pursue. They told me either i dropped out of the course or they would kick me out. So left after the end of the 1^st trimester...which apparently means if i chose to do another higher education course Leeds city council may still favour me with some grant money.....dunno how it all works but who knows. But nowadays what with tuition fees – it’d be way too expensive.

So yeah that quickly was my failed teaching bit. The date was then 1994, coming into 1995. I moved out of parents house & got a flat/bedsit in chapelallerton/chapeltown leeds....til 1997 – oh what fun days they were!!!! But thats for another chap.

Inbetween the descent into drink & art & self-deprecating lifestyle & un-self-imposed celibacy, 2 suicide attempts & 2 emergency hospital admissions due to being attacked & being unconscious – i was applying to do my next career option, nursing!

Ok, so I did my nursing Diploma in stoke on trent via keele university. Mainly on the college built on the City General Hospital site. When i started i was doing a general nurse course...and my first placement Was Ward 7 at the Royal Infirmary site – in penkhull. Ward 7 was female surgical, learnt mega much loads of stuff there – one specific thing sticks in my mind. Bear in mind I’d never done any care work in my life before, true i’d worked at a care home in Caerleon, but that WAS mainly as a kitchen assistant. So the full-on intimate care we were supposed to provide was just a little bit new to me! When a doctor (possibly german) said to me, c’mon yan come and take a blood sample from this patient. I said are you sure? He said, oh yeah. The patient, a lady in her 50’s or 60’s I’d helped getting her lunch earlier – said c’mon yan i trust you. So i approached thinking yeah, this is what student nurses do, on their first ever placement, with absolutely no training on taking blood, they take a needle (oh yeah, it was a syringe – with a big bloody fucking needle on it! No butterfly vacuum pack on this or even a canula) I had the thing in my hand – which began to shake, and the needle seemed to grow & increase in size to gigantic size...this was getting really trippy! The doc stood to the right & the lady put out her arm.....i really have no idea what i was meant to do next or how it was gonna happen...but some switched-on senior staff nurse ran up the corridor saying yan! Could you go & fetch me a ...’bedpan(?!) or something. Basically saving me from stabbing some poor patient with a very sharp implement!

Hooray for senior staff nurses with an eye on their noob students & their wilfully dodgy doctors trying to corrupt those poor students & oh, the patients & oh oh! All the other stuff that actually is their usual day-job. Oh what fun! Found it was a good reflection experience to be fair!

That was just one anecdote from many that will follow possibly...but anway I will title the next bits....

The Student Nurse Days & Nights

Relating probably: nurse digs & Princes Road, agency work, various wards worked either on placement or as agency bank healthcare support worker (HCSW), college stuff (prob not a right lot of that) apart from about 2 weeks into the course I was asked to see ?Sarah Traylor? The nursing/college boss – she said hello, i am aware of your previous criminal record & if i hear of any other infractions then i will get kicked off the course – luckily the 2 or 3 times i did get arrested whilst a student & the numerous court appearances at Huntingdon magistrates or Burton on Trent Magistrates courts both convictions were kyboshed at the final session – basically I’d been wrongly arrested – yet I’ve never had any compensation.....well, thats not strictly true! I did get something like £90 from the huntingdon trial thingy with which I bought my first ever mobile phone with – in Sheffield, actually & I called up all my then animal rights friends to let them know ho ho ho...a classic yan-type drift from the content of this supposed heading..i.e. the student nurse stuff – but it all seems kinda related so there. Where was I?, oh yeah the kind of stuff I may include in my ‘student days (nursing specific cuz I’d been a student many times before!)’. did i mention the parties? Yeah, we had a few parties! Corridor parties when in the nurses home, and house parties when in 279 Princes Road, Penkhull! Awesome!

As a learning diss student went to no.2 chebsey & scared of client AD threatening me *

Anyway all this is to come on those days & nights of not-much-happening & what I can remember.

Next is: The Qualified Nurse Days & Nights of which there maybe a bit more, cuz I qualified in September 2000 and as of today, 24^th Dec 2013 I’m still a qualified nurse. Thats 13 years and 3 months of care, life-saving, and holistic healing done by yours truly....to be regaled in some kinda way by me via possible headings of:

Eversley House (2000 – 2001)

Learning that St Edwards was closing, doing preceptorship, seeing a weird dude hassling our animal aid stall in hanley, shouting at us & giving us grief. Yet we handled it well good. Some army dudes who had a similar staff came over & asked if we’d like any help & we said thanks for your kindness but we’ll cope & we did. Then about a week later i was in st Edwards mental hospital doing some training & i saqw the same dude who’d hassled us on the stall & then I realised about how mental health is everywhere!

Another bit is encountering racism in my work colleagues! It was foul, disgusting yet deep deep down I think it was just bloody damn ignorance! They seemed so unaware of the planet & how we are all citizens of the galaxy. They just seemed like stereotypes of the sun reader y’know?! ‘the sun reader’ a stereotype of a daily red top newspaper popular media owned by Murdoch empire – infamous of its subtle racism. I was trying everyday to counter their racism by saying stuff like do you know that the white british ruled their empire by oppression, murder, exploitation, etc etc etc. & kept on meeting big eyes full of but they smell type argumants & the classic ‘they come over here, stealing our jobs’.

So, cuz i was newly qualified I got in touch via email to one of my managers/bosses Karina Johnson,...the only help and or advice she gave me was ‘tell me who is the racist’ knowing now what i didn’t know then I realized what they would do is just ask for evidence – of which there was none – just talk – then they, the bosses would try & chastise the individual – if i’d’ve been so stupid as to name just one. Even back then I could tell that the person on the other side of the email didn’t care about my ‘crusade’ & just wanted to name & shame someone. So I never felt that i should.

Also I found the ‘i heard nothing’ comment that i used to know about in the anarcho scene when relating to the cops. But here i was the cop! (that was weird) and when i tried to press the matter – of this popular guy who was blatantly, openly racist I mentioned it to colleagues that i was upset by this & i may report it. Man! I felt the wall go up! For about a week or so. It was such a ‘them & us’ type feeling. Here was me, trying to make the planet a better place but on the workplace as a micro environment it was hateful – i was one of ‘them’ ha ha ha i’d never been one of ‘them’ before so that was entertaining.

As was the ‘how ya doing’ interview i had with boss K Johnson at HQ . as i’d been qualified a year it seemed a requirement. I talked my talk putting on the positive spin & she says yeah its good to continue your role. Continuity of care, developing good relationships with the clients, can see you there for a long, long time’....is basically what she said to me. Within a week i was moved, not asked if I’d like to, not asked anything just told I was moving! She said to me about 3 or 4 years later, it wasn’t her fault – it was the needs of the service....y’know what, maybe it was the needs of the service maybe it was blah blah blah. Do you know what I learnt? That all bosses don’t fucking care about ‘you’ (you poor worker) and they lie!

Last thing, for now, my partner was pregnant & due in July 2001. I asked my line-manager Karen Livesley if i could have the 2 weeks pregnancy leave for males – as within their policy. She said NO! As i’d only been employed with combined healthcare NHS trust for 11 months, their policy stated I had to have worked for NSCHt for 12 months. I asked ‘give me a break’ and she came back with ‘they say you can have 2 days unpaid leave, when your child is born’ – well excuse me when i say whoop de doop! Fucking bureaucracy wank-shitbags!!! Anyroad when MattMoo was born it fell on – already sanctioned 2 weeks annual leave – so fuck you (not for 1^st time NSCHT!) when i came back from annual leave my place of work was at Chebsey!

(the rise of) Chebsey Close part 1 (2001 – 2004)

when i came back from annual leave my place of work was at Chebsey!...

I had heard of Chebsey Close via everyone I’d met during working as a student & a qualified within NSCHT (north stffs combined healthcare nhs trust) and the rumour was it was a bad place, a dangerous place to work. I was at the Full Moon pub in Newcastle under Lyme & I met John Hancock – who worked currently on number 4 chebsey close – we were either just out for a drink or seeing some gig. He told me, yeah chebsey has a bad reputation but really the staff there are brilliant & its a good place. So with that in mind when i turned up for my first shift most of the demons I’d been carrying were destroyed! Little did we know what was to come next ha ha ha.

Chebsey 1 with Cath Rhead – within 2 weeks wanting to report me cuz i took a leather strap off a pinpoint. Bitch. Within another 2 weeks she’d broken a finger or 2 being a twat! Ha ha ha

18 months later onto number 2 chebsey with entertaining clients & staff!!!!

*Client AD threatening me – wow! I found assertiveness! And i marched him back to his room to chill! Then i was moved again to...

Meadow View (2004 – 2009)

Doing the duties, telling people off yet doing the very same thing 2 weeks later, made me realize we are all just human. Taking client CP to Stonehenge for the solstice ha ha ha. Oh & getting moved to (but without the hassle of TUPE & all the lies that oh what a surprise k Johnson la la laa...

(the ongoing decline of) Chebsey Close part 2 (2009 – present)

Oh fuck me, i’m back – this time on no.4 cuz ed ryan shopped the qualified staff off #4 cuz he didn’t wanna be there & he went to where he wanted to be – A&T!. Basically they needed qualified so we were called back. After a pep talk by Carl RTedman saying swearing is bad m’kay...i said ‘i swear’ he almost spluttered. Later i found out he wanted me ‘gone!’ & supposedly mamgement staff who had told me everything were surprised when i told them i knew! The liars!!!!! & the bullying etc & the continuing no staff dilemma etc .

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Me as a parent?!

Fuck! I think i’m a shite dad, well, i’ve got some good bits – i love my kids unconditianly and i’m fun to be around sometimes but i’m a fucking wreck often & got a bark like a rottweiller

& me & mom have been at each other’s throats since day one cuz ha ha ha i’m a punk rocker & she’s like totally animal rights and we don’t have the system or animal abusers between us yet where does all our rage go to???? Yup towards each other!

We are raging volcanoes & we rage!!!!!!

Imagine the effect that has had on our impressionable brood!

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

http://www.organizeandarise.org/community/showthread.php?1692-Perv-thread/page3&highlight=perv+thread

02-28-2011, 01:05 AM

jeez there i was deluded, thinking i'd been cool and clandestine with the text thing...just before i leave my work shift, a colleague says 'so, are you goinna fuck her then?' 'erm, no' fucking hell! its a terrordrome out/in there.
i thought it was harmless fun - but it seems to be getting serious if the gossip mongers are presaging what i may or may not do
how does one extricate oneself from such a quagmire of carnage and stuff?

02-28-2011, 02:47 AM

Travis N.

what the hell are you talking about? Hahaha.

02-28-2011, 02:51 AM

440Eye

I think the charm of Yan's posts is being able to only comprehend about 30% of them.

02-28-2011, 03:04 AM

stinkbot

Yan, bring the Bull Set, Slab splitter, double dong, wyld glyd and be a dear and pick up some Chamomile tea.

02-28-2011, 03:16 AM

Sammy Totep

Originally Posted by 440Eye

I think the charm of Yan's posts is being able to only comprehend about 30% of them.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh god yes.

04-05-2011, 10:13 PM

Upper Crusty

doesn't masturbation count?

04-05-2011, 11:25 PM

yan tree

is that self - or mutual? and does it include toys x x x x

04-06-2011, 12:08 AM

Upper Crusty

yeah whatever, all of the above

04-06-2011, 12:09 AM

cat1

Masturbation should totally count! The lack of real sex creates the need for self satisfaction!

· 04-06-2011, 12:34 AM

yan tree

totally agreed!

· 04-06-2011, 12:48 AM

cat1

You deprived too yan tree?

· 04-06-2011, 01:28 AM

yan tree

yeah sad to say, want so much more but reality bites me in the ass. durh. well maybe to be fair lol

· 04-06-2011, 01:30 AM

cat1

Question is does a fucked over sex life justify an affair?

04-06-2011, 02:06 AM

yan tree

no it probably doesn't, it just means you have to deal with it as best you can
then again maybe it does, it depends on what you want from a sex life.
is a sex life a life of its own and would that then justify an affair?
what do you mean by 'affair'
do you mean more than a monogomous relationship to a potential polygomous relationship
either consensual or some parties involved non-consensual?
i'm trying not to get too theoretical
how 'fucked over' do you mean?

04-06-2011, 02:25 AM

Zeno Marx

Originally Posted by cat1

Question is does a fucked over sex life justify an affair?

nope, unless it is discussed and a compromise is reached. The key there is the communication and discussion. Affairs don't really make for a viable solution to anything. They're the lazy, childish, hurtful solution. They just add fuel to the fire, hurt people, or cause some other, new bullshit. They're easy and a copout, which is why the human species so readily reaches for them, often as a first resort. Talking through problems and putting in the effort is work, which is why people avoid that more-difficult process. People often attribute their despair and frustration as part of their communication and "paid dues", but that is yet another shortcut to the healthy ability to communicate and articulate exactly what is felt and thought. "I've been unhappy long enough. I deserve x,y, and z." Nope. Only if you've made your feelings and thoughts CLEAR to the other person. The mind-reading, juxtapositioning, and whatever other passive-aggressive games that have been tossed into the mix are NOT communication. Get in the game, or get out of the game.

That isn't to say sex, your feelings, or anything else boiling inside you isn't important. It all is. Doesn't give you permission, or the right, to abuse the relationship with an affair...unless, of course, that is the agreed solution between the two (or however many).

04-06-2011, 03:44 PM

cat1

By fucked over I mean non-existant. As for body hair men should be hairy, women trimmed. Although is there anything less attractive than gagging on a pube stuck at the back of your throat! So maybe shaven haven's for all.

04-30-2011, 11:49 PM

yan tree

so when with a naked significant other - of a preferable sexual gender/orientation and feeling way loved up...anyone else get this...i sometimes, not always, find i do not seem to rise to the occasion - or my erection seems to go pretty floppy dead quick ...maybe given time (if we're lucky enoughto have the time in busy busy lives!) then its not so much a problem but when time is a factor - anyone know any ways to achieve a rigid type member type thingy...without say the use of viagra or other such chemicals?
its damnededly frustrating!

05-01-2011, 11:23 PM

portena violenta

Originally Posted by yan tree

if getting an erection isn't the problem, but maintaining one is, i would suggest a cock-ring. they're a little weird to get used to at first, but they've worked for some of my partners in the past and as long as they are removed within 45 minutes, there shouldn't be any damage to blood vessels =)

05-02-2011, 10:06 AM

cat1

The only issue i have ever experienced with cock ring was using it in the first place. Me and my ex went for a vibrating one only problem being that he was particularly well endowed and he Couldn't get it on. Once on it actually hurt him that much that we had to cut it off with pipe cutters. Leaving the mood well and truly killed lol! My point being that if ure particularly well endowed yan then maybe invest in an adjustable one so you wont be put through the same thing.

05-02-2011, 03:53 PM

portena violenta

i gotta agree with cat1 on this one: ALWAYS go for the adjustable cock-rings. may i also suggest a non-latex/non-porous material such as silicone (hypoallergenic). there are a lot of different combination rings, but once you find one that lets you fuck comfortably, then you're set. a good cock-ring will usually improve a semi if used properly. i know it sounds embarrassing, but getting somebody to show you how to use one really helps. i can spend all day explaining how you trap blood in your dick and put on a cock-ring (and trust me, if i didn't have a day job, i would ha ha), but practicing it before partner sex helps sexual encounters go much smoother =)

05-16-2011, 05:16 PM

John Revolta

Yep steel cock rings all the way. I store mine in the freezer.

A couple years ago my girlfriend worked as a "sex educator", basically an online sex shop, geared towards sex positive, non harmful to the body kind of toys. (The stuff they make sex toys out of is pretty scary) It was started up by 2 women, the majority of people who worked there were women except for the trans folks who identified as men. They would constantly get sent sex toys to review. I, through my girlfriend, was the only biological male that they had access to who was willing to test this stuff out and then write a review for them. Mostly cock rings.

Those real flexible cock rings that are made out of that gelly rubberlike stuff are worthless, along with the ones that have a little vibrating bullet on the top. I hate those. Dont go with the adjustable ones, just learn when to put it on. If you've got a full erection its going to be pretty difficult. Yan just give me a call, I do computer support by phone all day. I can walk you through it.

05-16-2011, 10:23 PM

portena violenta

i've worked as a reproductive health specialist for 5 years, and i've just noticed that not all cocks fit into the pre-determined sizes of steel rings. steel is easy to clean, good call on keeping it in the freezer, and on a personal note, hot as all get out. whatever works best for you, yan =)

05-17-2011, 01:03 AM

yan tree

hmmmmmmm so many helpful comments.
well, recently found it not hard to get hard, if you understand. maybe cutting down on the drinking helps

05-18-2011, 07:36 AM

cat1

Anyone into/tried BDSM?

05-18-2011, 08:07 AM

Travis N.

Sorta. Just tying down and blindfolds and shit. Not like serious hanging from a rope stuff. Can be fun.

05-18-2011, 08:32 AM

cat1

Yeah I dont go to the extremes of hanging from meat hooks nd stuff. My basic rules are do anything that doesnt involve blood or shit lol!

05-18-2011, 08:41 AM

Travis N.

No candle wax either but lots of hair pulling and spanking is fun. Also, no choking.

05-18-2011, 10:13 AM

cat1

Agree with the choking not the candlewax tho lol!

05-19-2011, 12:07 AM

yan tree

i've had a little bit of bondage - i guess, surprised me how much of a turn on it can be! i was screaming within about 5 minutes i guess...and as cat1 said a safety word is important! though i seemed to enjoy the sub side alot - when i became the dom side found that so weird - cuz i'm not usually like that, was a bit outta my depth - would need more practice at it i guess, which sounds bloody funny relating it now!
as you say zeno exploring sexuality is one of the things we are either into or not. i've always been of a persuasion to try anything - and find out that way if i like it or not. others have said about the choking thing - well never done it don't want to - but i would try it...thinking of michael hutence (?) of inxs and his self erotica strangulation death. not the way i'd like to go - or is it? dunno really
i'm no shrinking viiolet so if i ever got into that scene i could imagine i'd be up for anything - apart from shitting and pissing....that doesn't turn me on - lol i get enough of that at work! challenging behaviours - really are they? right i'm drifting/rambling nuff 4 now

05-20-2011, 12:10 AM

yan tree

Originally Posted by Travis N.

I think David Caradine died like that too, if I'm not mistaken.

omg so the media reported that he did! thanks for that travis, it reminds me of cities of the red night by william burroughs - as, in that book, everyone was doing it lol. personally not my cup of tea. though never say never hmmmmm, no i probably would never do that - can't see the attraction

05-20-2011, 12:16 AM

cat1

They say you are supposed to have a watcher if you do engage in that but I think it would put you off if anything having one of your mates stare at you whilst you masturbate and suffocate yourself. Although each to their own I suppose. I would'nt personally do it because I reckon you could get a similar thrill via a different method where there would be less chance of death!

05-20-2011, 08:24 AM

yan tree

Originally Posted by 440Eye

I love reading about auto-erotic fatalities. People need to use their lemons god dammit!

action, time and lemon!

· 05-21-2011, 01:22 AM

440Eye

Hmm, I never thought ones love for auto-erotic asphyxiation would gain them friends.

No wonder David Carradine and Michael Hutchence were so popular!

Kill, Kill, Kill for inner peace! Bomb, Bomb, Bomb for mental health! Therapy through violence!

05-21-2011, 01:30 AM

portena violenta

dude, i totes would have boned David Carradine...fuck, if i was his safety buddy, he might still be around today! that's what perv-y med school students are for =)

05-21-2011, 01:33 AM

440Eye

I bet he would've been good in the sack, with his "Kung Fu" grip.

Speaking of medicine, anyone else have a medical fetish? I find medical equipment extremely sexy.

· 05-21-2011, 01:35 AM

cat1

I have a massive medical fetish rubber gloves all the fucking way!

· 05-21-2011, 01:43 AM

portena violenta

i've worked at a reproductive health clinic for 5 years now, and i have found some really neat uses for some really awful looking stuff. speculums and vag retractors don't have to be anybody's enemy =) we have a full surgical ambulatory center and the extracurricular activities we've accomplished with some nitrous and an adjustable table with stirrups are...just...bloody awesome...

· 05-21-2011, 01:45 AM

cat1

I can imagine!

· 05-21-2011, 01:59 AM

Zeno Marx

Originally Posted by portena violenta

storytime!

· 05-21-2011, 02:02 AM

damien inbred

i'm clearly in the wrong line of work
[cue laugh track]
I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING
[groan]

· 05-21-2011, 02:05 AM

cat1

I've had what she's having and let me just say it's awesome! Try it sometime

· 05-21-2011, 04:41 AM

portena violenta

i just always recommend that a grrrl own a speculum. you can check out your cervix, learn how to relax (and ultimately contract) your pc muscles...come on, ladies, how many ejaculators we got out there?

i have ruined a few mattresses in my life- squirt pride holla!

(i need to not drink and post any more)

· 05-26-2011, 04:11 PM

yan tree

i like hickeys very much - only problem is if they are on-view, other than that - please cover my whole body in them lol'ing!

· 05-26-2011, 04:18 PM

cat1

They are quite problematic indeed if done on someone who isnt yours. Other than that bite me all over boy!!!

· 05-27-2011, 01:16 AM

ancient_astronaut

it becomes cool again when you're in your 40's

· 05-27-2011, 01:18 AM

cat1

Thats ok then cuz the guy i did one on today was in his forties and he fucking loved it!

· 05-27-2011, 01:21 AM

yan tree

hickeys are timeless! and tasteful - if you like them! they always have a risque edge to them! as its an outward sign of extreme affection! to be seen by others - though not meant i n that way, potentially, when in the heat of passion?! analysis over
btw upper crusty - give him more! on the bell-end and shaft of his knob would be excrutiatingly funny maybe

· 05-27-2011, 01:25 AM

cat1

I may steal that suggestion yan and use it next time

Last edited by cat1; 05-27-2011 at 01:31 AM.

· 05-27-2011, 02:02 AM

colin

Originally Posted by yan tree

btw upper crusty - give him more! on the bell-end and shaft of his knob would be excrutiatingly funny maybe

I was once given a HUGE one right beside the base of my cock...Felt pretty good.

· 06-02-2011, 12:33 AM #655

yan tree

Cyberpunk as Fuck Punk to the bone

Join Date

Jul 2010

Posts

2,620

lmfao! x

Edit Post Reply Reply With Quote

· 06-02-2011, 12:56 AM #656

cat1

Needs a Life Punk to the bone

Join Date

Apr 2011

Location

Staffordshire

Posts

623

Ha ha ha ha ha ha just gone through all the old posts from us, its so bloody obvious now!!

· 06-02-2011, 01:02 AM

yan tree

isn't it - i so told you at the time but no,we both thought(well i thought it...cos i've been here a zillion years) those dweebs on the o&a board are so not-with-it they'll never guess...and tbf they never did - or did you? c'mon did anyone even have a suspicion?

· 06-02-2011, 01:04 AM

Donofthedead

Went over my head.

· 06-02-2011, 01:07 AM

yan tree

basically we seem to think it was obvious really - wasn't it?
fair enough...imagine cat1 was in indonesia and i could've been from afghanistan - yet we were feeling/doing similar things at same time, no?
jeezuz/god/satan/ i hope there are similar people doing similar things right now on the planet! oh yes!

Last edited by yan tree; 06-02-2011 at 01:10 AM. Reason: armaggedonn

· 06-02-2011, 01:08 AM

cat1

Tbf i think it went over everybody's. Seemed obvious to us because there was something behind it all. Maybe to the outside world isnt that obvious!

06-02-2011, 02:28 AM

yan tree

simple yet seemingly applicable

· 06-03-2011, 11:30 PM

cat1

Why is it that a guy cant make me orgasm with a vibe, but i can do it myself in under a minute....

· 06-04-2011, 12:49 AM

Donofthedead

Originally Posted by cat1

Why is it that a guy cant make me orgasm with a vibe, but i can do it myself in under a minute....

Is this something Yan needs to be coached on?

· 06-04-2011, 12:55 AM

yan tree

i'm well versed in orgasmic stuff - but feel i should let cat explain if she wants to!

06-04-2011, 12:57 AM

cat1

Ok I shall. No guy has ever made me cum, pretty sure got weird mental block on that shite. So altho yan is amazing!!! He cant do it, not through lack of trying as we discovered today

· 06-04-2011, 01:00 AM

yan tree

only 20? minutes on your clit though....next time 30 minutes eh lol...yeah you said it was cuz i was looking at you, then wehn you put the pillow on my head it took less than a minute!

· 06-04-2011, 01:02 AM

cat1

I had a blindfold on so didnt know if u were looking at me or not dear think was your presence! Put pillow on you cuz then was like you wernt there sorta thing. Awww you try so hard for me huni, do feel dead bad

· 06-04-2011, 01:03 AM

Donofthedead

· 06-04-2011, 01:03 AM

cat1

You starting sound like leffer!

· 06-04-2011, 01:08 AM

yan tree

don't feel bad - feel good! i love every inch or even millimetre of you! hell having the pillow on me meant i could sleep and catch up on all that energy i'd expended! unfortunately it was only for a minute lol lol - again i nearly made you cum! you said it was cuz of...erm psychological block from when you were abused - sounds plausible to me, and me being male etc i could foster that psycho-block and hence i'm causing you not to cum....dunno

· 06-04-2011, 01:11 AM

cat1

I dunno either..... hmmmm tiz weird maybe feel pressured into it by myself as well cuz u put so much fucking effort in but to no avail! Yet today i thought ahhhhh yes this is it but alas no my stupid crap body and mind kept shutting down at the crucial moment which was reached like 4 or 5 times!! Either way cum or not it was fucking awesome!

· 06-04-2011, 01:12 AM

Donofthedead

Originally Posted by cat1

You starting sound like leffer!

I think that is why he made me a mod.

But I will put good thoughts out there for Yan to make things right!

· 06-04-2011, 01:14 AM

cat1

Any suggestions welcome btw don

· 06-04-2011, 01:21 AM #679

Donofthedead

I think I would be one of the worst to give advice in this thread!

· 06-04-2011, 01:22 AM

yan tree

cat1 i know you and empathize with you and will do what it takes to be with you - all the way, forever and a day. i may fall asleep once or twice whilst in the heat of passion but thats cuz the passion lasts for fucking hours and hours and i'm a night owl so day times are stressful for me - what? ever? am? i? on? about? - if you want me to - i will make you cum. i will tie you down, wear a doctors uniform, stephascope you intimately, will take your blood pressure from areas unlikely to be tested in a clinical setting! i may even take your tempertaure - again from unusual places - then i may have to use medical equipment to investigate you.....! before i break out the vibes and the strap-ons lol'ing - but if i have to go that far - tiz cool, then iof all still not well in the cumming dept. may have to seriously think about some prn stuff....and i don't know what that may be yet! any suggestions gladly recieved!

· 06-04-2011, 01:22 AM #681

cat1

lol you are seriously trying to kill me Mr.Tree!!!!!!!!!!!

· 06-04-2011, 01:27 AM #682

yan tree

maybe - but only with love (anarchy, peace and freedom tagged onto that btw)

· 06-04-2011, 01:30 AM #683

cat1

Hmmm so u say lol! You totally should have allowed me to buy a certain thing today

· 06-04-2011, 01:32 AM #684

yan tree

· 06-04-2011, 01:33 AM #685

cat1

You totally should! May sneak out and buy it anyway and surprise you one day lol that wooden cross thing can see that in your lounge!

· 06-04-2011, 01:35 AM #686

yan tree

and that guy! lol oh you can make it so it looks like its there to hold candles! not to strap somebody onto lol'ing! - even your grandmother wouldn't know! was he for real?

· 06-04-2011, 01:37 AM #687

yan tree

Originally Posted by cat1

You totally should! May sneak out and buy it anyway and surprise you one day lol that wooden cross thing can see that in your lounge!

i so could see it in my lounge too actually! blushing!
as it is almost anti-christian so tiz cool!

· 06-04-2011, 01:38 AM #688

cat1

Will find out how much it is he he he he! Lol yeah that guy was mega funny, its a bloody big candle holder tbf!! I do love that shop its so full of debauchery

Reply Reply With Quote

· 06-04-2011, 01:39 AM #689

yan tree

and filth!

· 06-04-2011, 01:41 AM

cat1

Ah tiz way better than anne summers tho! Its abit too nicey nicey and commercially friendly in there now. You want proper filth go to where we went

· 06-04-2011, 01:47 AM #691

yan tree

i used to try and firebomb those places back in the day lol
don't know why seemed like the right thing to do then. nowadays its all different!, think i would need to go 2 or 3 times more before i was cool with living out my desires in that shop....1st to envisage, 2nd to imagine and 3rd to actually have the bottle to realize my desires!

· 06-04-2011, 01:49 AM #692

cat1

Think you at the second stage already tbf! I have opened new doors to you the only question is do you walk through them or do you turn back to what you are used to?

· 06-04-2011, 01:58 AM #693

yan tree

lol seriously do you even feel the need to ask me that! i'm just wondering how sore i'm gonna feel and will i be able to walk the next day :-*
that X cross was awesome though and those strap-ons.....lol
i wanna make my own BDSM dungeon, urm in the lounge area? maybe the 2nd bedroom? i could so go to B&Q and make my own cross! i bet a damn site cheaper! dunno about the handcuffs though, some plastic bin bag ties from work?

· 06-04-2011, 02:01 AM #694

cat1

some plastic ties from work!! ooo get you Mr.resourceful and make your own cross!!??? you on a DIY mission or summit? lol. You could do it in spare room but u need blackout blinds and possibly soundproofing If you are able to walk the next day i havent succeeded in my mission

· 06-04-2011, 02:07 AM #695

yan tree

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHH! ok I'm not happy with that lol - ie your mission, i thought you were a pacifist!
soundproofing - why am i having band practice there lol?!

· 06-04-2011, 02:10 AM #696

cat1

I am a pacifist, except in the bedroom soundproofing cuz dont want your new neighbours thinking you being murdered lol

· 06-04-2011, 02:17 AM #697

yan tree

fairy snuff. better start making a shopping list then
for the cross - do you like the X shape or would you prefer the crucifix shape....could turn the crucifix upside down for satanic relevance too!

· 06-04-2011, 02:18 AM #698

cat1

x is more practical in the grand scheme of things dear! You may paint it black and red if you so wish tho! OOOOOOO getting shivers down my spine now on reflection

· 06-04-2011, 02:27 AM #699

yan tree

could make it outta decking timber, as i made a full decking patio ermmmm4 summers ago, 5 ? 6? and they are pretty robust. cool good ideas about the colours - could really make it gothic ha ha ha my new project a BDSM dungeon!

· 06-04-2011, 02:28 AM #700

cat1

You need to move in first!! Will help you at every opportunity i get though Not necessarily by helping you build stuff either lol

· 06-04-2011, 02:36 AM #701

yan tree

why not? you can build stuff can't you?

· 06-04-2011, 02:37 AM #702

cat1

I can but i think i would distract you too much esp if i was scantily clad

· 06-04-2011, 02:48 AM #703

yan tree

lol, why would you be scantily clad? cuz the work made you so hot possibly - hell not much actual work would get done then...or maybe thats the point! isn;t it

· 06-04-2011, 02:50 AM #704

cat1

Indeed i would be all hot and sweaty and would have to strip off to the bare minimum. In fact I am in the bare minimum now

· 06-04-2011, 02:58 AM #705

yan tree

i know lol'ing i so fucking know :-)

· 06-07-2011, 07:09 PM #706

portena violenta

unholy shit, what did i miss out on?! chaos en tejas hits, i take a few days off from the forum, and i come back to find it's been taken over by PERVERTS?! (i love you all)

· 06-07-2011, 07:11 PM #707

Leffer

Yea, I'm debating if I should make a thread specifically dedicated to and for Yan and Cat1. Kinda like the virtual approach to "get a room".

· 06-07-2011, 07:18 PM #708

Zeno Marx

On one hand, I appreciate exhibitionism to a great degree, but on the other, there's this thing called private messaging. Or AIM. Or...

· 06-07-2011, 07:28 PM #709

Painajainen

· 06-07-2011, 07:54 PM #710

cat1

Mkay we will tone it down or as you say get a room loling! Sorry if we have traumatised anybody

· 06-07-2011, 07:58 PM #711

Leffer

Still.....

· 06-07-2011, 08:11 PM #712

cat1

Right I am gonna get one tomorrow for you leffer!! Provided yan has got a camera that can be linked to net

· 06-08-2011, 12:18 AM #713

portena violenta

see, now we're getting somewhere ;-)

· 06-08-2011, 11:33 AM #714

yan tree

dunno, i feel a little shy now...

· 06-08-2011, 11:58 AM #715

cat1

What do you actually want a picture of guys and gals?

· 06-08-2011, 04:59 PM #716

portena violenta

for starters, what on earth is this "cross" thing y'all kept referring to? at least find me a link ha ha

· 06-08-2011, 07:37 PM #717

cat1

Ah we aint made that yet. Just google search BDSM cross and u should be able get a pic

· 06-08-2011, 08:07 PM #718

Leffer

A pic of yan on all fours and you propping your leg up on his back....like a prize trophy....posing confidently....oh, and Yan has to have a corn cob in his mouth. Thanks, can't wait to see it.

· 06-08-2011, 08:18 PM #719

cat1

I wil see what I can do

· 06-15-2011, 10:46 PM #725

cat1

Should I have a 3some? Has anyone else had one? Share your experiences good, bad or ugly ha ha ha

· 06-15-2011, 11:00 PM #726

yan tree

i haven't suggested it btw - its from another person....i'm mulling over the idea to be fair...hmmmmmmm - y/n/m?

· 06-15-2011, 11:36 PM #727

Travis N.

My girl and I have liked the idea of it for a long time, but we feel things wouldn't be the same afterwards. Plus, we're both a little jealous.

· 06-16-2011, 12:01 AM #728

toddrighteous

i've only done it when i was single, and it was just drunk and casual.
i don't think i could with someone i'm in love with.
but that's just me, to each their own.

· 06-16-2011, 12:02 AM #729

toddrighteous

btw- m/m/f or m/f/f ??

· 06-16-2011, 12:07 AM #730

yan tree

thats so what me and cat1 are thinking! - well, from my side its intriguing! and a fantasy possibly made whole yet.... would me and another male fucking my partner - due to the male aspect of cumming and rest - other male fucking...as females tend to be more durable - longevity wize - be just too fucing weird? cuz i know my green eyed jealousy monster is prevalent often!
and'or would being fucked by another male me and hr - cuz i'm yansexal remember bi/gay/straight....would we get so into it that - when we were alone together on those dark winter nights, snuggling up by the fire that we weren'tdreaming of some other hunky fe/male shagging us so we could achieve that elusive orgasmic thrill that we got whe we did a 3some?????????????
would it make us love each other a little less?
would it eventually lead to us feeling unfulfilled unless we'd been fucked by multiple partners????
i dunno?
alot of people do it and are quite happy, thank you
but i don't know

· 06-16-2011, 12:10 AM #731

yan tree

Originally Posted by toddrighteous

btw- m/m/f or m/f/f ??

currentl;y the offer is m/m/f
but if i'm correct it couldgo to f/f/m/m
or 7xm/2xf!!!! for an example!
seriously....on a slippery slope! stop now or go for it?

· 06-16-2011, 12:16 AM #732

Travis N.

Originally Posted by yan tree

or 7xm/2xf!!!! for an example!

I've always been intrigued by gangbangs. Lol. Also, orgies.

· 06-16-2011, 12:18 AM #733

toddrighteous

well yan, you do what ever you want, but i wouldn't go through with it.
when i'm in a serious relationship, i like to consider myself thankful that i have the one great partner, and just be happy with that, and not push my luck.
if they aren't enough for me, then maybe i need to reconsider why i am in a relationship with them, and if i'm not enough for them, then again, why am i in a relationship with them.
but that's just me, if you can do it and survive, then why not?

· 06-16-2011, 12:28 AM #734

yan tree

taking it on board todd - you have always been a voice of reason dude!
i'm really not considering it, to be fair - cos as you said - if you are with a person....its cos you want to be WITH THEM not all the paraphanalia around stuff.
its just we are in an environment that is condusive to mega sexual 'liberation' for want of a better word and we are both asking ourselves 'what if' questions.
from recent texts - we are both very flattered to be asked - and if we weren't in such a loving relationship at the moment we would probably go with it...sorry if i'm talking for cat1 here....she went to bed avout an hour ago - gotta do AN early shift.... but especially i feel i don't wanna go there, cuz i'm too much in love with cat to share her with anyone (!!!!:-(!!!!!) but me - which is not anarchistic or anything - but its the way i feel about it. i want to possess her, which is even more unanarchistic in theory but in reality maybe it works?! so i 'm not in the right place to consider sharing her/me out for sexual gratification
there nuff said
but its still fucking tempting!
how many times in your life do these offers come along?

· 06-16-2011, 01:04 AM #735

Zeno Marx

Do it before you develop any deep-seated feelings. People do it all the time. Lots of evidence that it is possible and for it to not erode the foundations, but a lot more evidence that when you play with fire, expect to get burned. One of the many, many things in life that seem perfectly reasonable and do-able in theory, and then the little nuances of life and reality, like sand and grit after a day at the beach, get exposed when practiced. Some people don't love at a depth of dependence, for lack of a better way to put it, and they can manage the emotional--physical divide. For most people, that interlocking of the two is at the base of their beings, and though they are maybe driven by cognition in other areas of life, its no match for the emotional and spiritual in the mystical realm. It all seems so plausible...until the heart is broken and the spirit of the relationship is evaporated. And for what?

I too love social theory. It's a natural drive to want to explore and experiment, but there's also a lot to be said for someone knowing their own limits; and respecting those limits despite the strong cognitive opposition. If I truly love someone, the discussion of testing the sanctity of the relationship is a necessary component. If we aren't talking about experimenting and exploring the boundaries, then something isn't quite right in the dynamic. That's all it should ever be, though: a series of conversations and serious discussions. Things come to mind and out the mouth, but in the heart, right is relatively clear. It'll never become reality, and if it does, that day indicates that I no longer value the relationship much. That "fun" is the death knell. Kind of an ugly way for things to come to a conclusion, I'd say.

That's what it comes down to: I don't gamble with things that I truly care about. It's disrespectful, ungrateful, selfish, and all kinds of unsavory things. Some people don't view any of this as a gamble. I'm not wired like they are.

06-16-2011, 07:31 AM #739

cat1

Yeah yan did speak alot for me there. The weird thing is im currently sat next to the guy who offered it to us in the first place! I would at the moment only be cool with m/m/f if we were to do it because I am a massively jealous person nd the very idea of him fucking someone else makes me pretty unhappy. However I imagine its the same for him but other way round. However as yan said how often do these opportunities arise!? Hence the indecisive posts!

· 06-19-2011, 11:35 PM #751

ozzy

Originally Posted by toddrighteous

is this thread going to turn into everyone reporting each time they get laid?
because that might actually be kind of fun.

i'm getting some right now!

· 06-19-2011, 11:48 PM #752

Leffer

I'm gonna set this forum up as chat roulette so we can watch each other shtoink.

· 06-19-2011, 11:58 PM #753

yan tree

i had some then it floated way into the ether

this is weird

· 06-20-2011, 12:01 AM #754

cat1

Remarkably enough I just had some too. Hmmm cant think who with tho lol! Awesome

· 06-21-2011, 06:50 PM #755

portena violenta

wow. this is what happens when i don't have internet for a week? so...much...to...comment....on....urge to fuck...rising ha ha ha

ok- threesomes, you know if they're right for you and your partner. flat out. i've been in open relationships where they were super-fun and consequence-free, and i've been in more exclusive relationships where they did more harm than good. the basis for the decision should be centered around open and honest communication with your primary partner. this doesn't mean attempting to convince your manfriend/ladyfriend to participate, this means seriously discussing the possibility of allowing somebody else to share a bed with y'all...and all the shit that comes with it.

...and in my humble opinion, grrrl/grrrl/dude is better. as dumb as this sounds, two boys are too much work ha ha

one last thing- what the fuck is "shtoink?!" is this a verb or a noun? english was my second language, help a sister out!

· 06-22-2011, 12:07 AM #758

portena violenta

Originally Posted by headcheck

Someone give me there opinion on nailing a dirty girl you don't like or respect but is kind of attractive.
One of them wants some and I am torn as to whether to follow my instincts or be a good person about it.

depends, how shitty do you want to feel about yourself in the morning?

· 06-22-2011, 12:13 AM #759

cat1

If you feel like you gonna regret it then dont, cuz you should never do anything u think you gonna regret at a later date. No matter how exciting and ace it seems at the time.

06-26-2011, 08:15 PM #786

cat1

Originally Posted by portena violenta

i do not like living with regret, and there is definitely more probability of mistakes being made when you mix friends with your sex life...that being said, somethings are worth the risk. especially if you have genuine feelings for a particular friend...

Me and yan started out being friends and it developed from there. We both thought it could never actually work but on reflection im glad we jeopardized our friendship because it led to an awesome relationship. So at times it is worth it. However it could have gone tits up so many times that when it all began i did wonder if it was worth it. So as portena said if feelings are there you may regret not acting on them but if you do and it goes wrong at least you wont be wondering what if?

· 06-29-2011, 06:51 PM #801

cat1

Originally Posted by Sammy Totep

Stumping...

Just googled this its fucking weird shit!

· 06-29-2011, 09:05 PM #802

yan tree

i haven't googled it - never heard of it either...but does it have resonances around multiple amputations so the'stump' can fit in a suitcase? and still ahve most ''working'' parts?
or am i miles off with the guessing game?

· 06-29-2011, 09:45 PM #803

cat1

Its fake limbs being inserted into various orifices

06-29-2011, 10:30 PM #806

Upper Crusty

i read about people who are stumpy fetishists a long time ago. yawn. next someone is going to say "furries."

woops, i typed this without reading back. i haven't read this thread in weeks. i have grown bored of it. and anyway stumping isn't fake limbs fucking holes, it is people who are just sexually attracted to stumps. as far as i know.

oh yeah and i love adult baby.

Last edited by Upper Crusty; 06-29-2011 at 10:35 PM. Reason: vanilla

07-09-2011, 07:57 AM #844

cat1

Originally Posted by portena violenta

i tend to dig dudes in the "way older than me" category, and i find they succumb more to alcohol + attempted intimacy = erectile dysfunction than the younger homies. not being ageist, it's just a pattern i've noticed in my personal life.

i can totally admit to having had what i can only describe as "tequila clit," though...

Older dudes are way better, cuz they more experienced and knowledgeable yan tree is 24 years older than me and fucking awesome whereas my ex who was 4 years older was rubbish. So in my opinion older is better

page 97

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Filth – Pigs (although don’t prefer this terminology due to animal rights (AR)) – Police – Mod Plods (Ministry of Defence Police) – A.C.A.B (All Coppers Are Bastards) – etc.

Scum! The ignorant right-hand of state. The force, utilized against any free protests in the name of law & order or the 1^st line of oppression. Those, who are a barrel of rotten apples where there maybe one ripe apple within due to be infected, due to their corruption. Justice? There is no justice – just us.

CHAPTER TWENTY

666 the end

I wanted to start the end of this thing now, as the last time i did a book thing ‘the storey by the storytellers’ i did the final chapters & it all got depressing & mega sad & embarrassing & all that kinda stuff – so i basically want this one to go out with a happy smiley face if possible.

Nuff said

The end

Hooray!

Not thank fuck that fest of despair is over...unless i write a despairing novel & i wanna heighten it...well will have to see.

Thats all for this little bit – may add bits here & there as i dissect myt life-memories a bit more

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

tomorrow all our dreams could come true

Pages

Monday, 4 July 2016

forca macabra ep 2001

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Trip to TULUM 3

Trip to TULUM 2

Trip to TULUM 1

Friday, 23 May 2014

About Me