the bad shit ive done!

4 the bad shit ive done!

Oh fuck! This is gonna never end! Of that I can guarantee, if I could feel shame right now id be as bloated as rhoald dhal ‘james & the giant peach’ – yup id be the giant peach! & unfortunately the bad continues but in relation to say murder or genocide – its relatively minor. Or so I hopefully guess.

Childhood, ummmm, trying to strangle chris rose as he’d pushed me into some glass, cutting up my knee. Later vaguely recall looking at his ass behind the electricity thing – we got spotted by Michael who told my bruvv andi – who brought it up when ALL the neighbour hood kids were in our back garden, lovely classic, life defining moment. I was between 5 and 8 years old.

7 years old: at Michaels house, for lunch – which was nice, 1^st time. His scary – bossy mom gave me cheese and tomato triangle sandwiches. Little did she know I despised tomatoes then. So I peeled up each triangle, extracted the offending tomato slice, and threw them underneath the sofa cushion – or under the sofa – on which I was sat & happily guzzled the sarnies.3 or so days later, Michael asked me about if I liked tomatoes, I asked why? He explained that cuz his mom was cleaning she found myt discarded tomato pieces strewn around. Omg was so embarrassed! Still am to this day – if only I could’ve opened my mouth – but at 7 its so easy to become submerged in self doubt & embarrassment & such!

When I was about 8 or 9, in france on one of our camping trips my folks presented me with a huge tomato slice – oh no, I said I hate tomato’s, they covered it in salt & asked me to try it. So I did. From that day I’ve loved tomatoes!!!!!! Some random camp site in northern france acquainted me with a unappreciated fruit/vegetable! Fascinating huh? so that’s the bad I remember from being a child? Well I wish it was all that innocent. No, bedwetting til I was 11 years old. Funnily enough it stopped when the sexual abuse ended, lol.

Oh well, if this ain’t published & its just for me I’ll try & go into as much detail as I can – if it does go public I’d better get it checked out all legal like, in case there’s some impending disclosures of criminal acts – of which I wouldn’t be so surprised, so’s I’d better try & be careful. So where was i? oh yeah sexual abuse! Lolz. Ha ha ha at least I can laugh about it now but it was a seedy – bloody horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, ever!

I really cant remember much about it all – at all. Which is a blessing, except some sicko kinda set scenes which h are way fucked up for my tender sensibilities! Anyway enough hype & back to the story….lol (reference to ‘the storey by storytellers’ my next bestseller!

Guess I was about 7 or 8 y. o. – due to eldest brother david being about 13 - & query onset of puberty & possibility of him wanting to explore his sexuality…which is – basically fair enough, if you try it out on girls (or other similar age consenting teens of girl or boyness depending on preferences…again I guess), what wasn’t fair was him trying it out on me. Well I was a captive audience. And he was pretty hideously ugly, and mega fucking spotty, and a geek, and socially inadequate…but he could make an awesome crystal radio from scratch & he was ever so clever with anything electronic and radio orientated! Also, being my brother I loved him….like you do with siblings, anyroad that said how did it all begin?

Haven’t got a clue, possibly andi got himself his own bedroom so in went into the larger – shared bedroom…bunk beds. Dave on top bunk & me on the bottom. I have 2 set pieces I recall. And really I don’t wanna delve further into the possibly 3 year long ‘relationship’ we had so there! One time I’d had shower or bath & I’d come to bed. I had walked into bedroom with towel draped around me (was it light green? Seems to be in memory?). so did I put on pj’s & get into bed? Nope. Remember thinking dave would be coming up to bed at some time – so I wanted to be ready for him to ‘use’ me. So I lay on top of my beds duvet with towel unfastened, thinking would I be ‘inviting’ to him? Weird thinking about it now….at that age 8 or 9? Should a child be wanting to be sexually inviting? Hmmmmm I seriously doubt it! Thankfully I truly cant remember anything else about that night. Apart from I guess I was inviting enough – I presume some ‘action’ happened, no recollection – anything else I would write would be guesses! So I’ll stop there.

Next time we were in mom & pops bedroom, probably on their bed & naked….we kissed, French style. I remember his tongue tastyed weird, - will never forget that taste and I remember sucking his cock – taking it deep into my mouth, tongue feeling his foreskin & tip under it & again a weird fucking taste. That’s it. Maybe real vague notions of wanking him & him kissing my cock? But I coulkdn’t swear to it. Seriously think I’ve eradicated every other memory. Kinda pleased that I have really, maybe under hypnotherapy could recall more but if I did hypnotherapy id prefer it to be to give something bad up – like smoking or drinking too much!

Thought I’d remember more actually but well, there ya go. Not a lot but enough! Too much as it should’ve never happened you bastard! Fucked me over psychologically many times over – true not as bad as many others who’ve been abused but abused is what it was & abused is what I feel & felt at many times. Though I think ive been able to deal with it with vartying degrees of success? Whenever I got into a relationship or basically friendly with people ive mentioned to them that I was a ‘victim of sexual abuse from a young age’ and funnily enough a few other people have too! So that has been a learning shared experience for some of my friends.

Though it has a dark side too! Such as disclosing this to my ex ex brother in law (if I was married [to vix]) well we’d been to marks to smoke some weed! I’d gotten very stoned & sometimes I feel a need to share intimate stuff to people I think I like. So I did I told him, in anguished tones about the shit I’d been thru….etc etc. oh I have some empathy & support from cool dude who is ex ex bro in law (he was bro in law at time). So later on down the line & vix found pornography sites, id visited on computer – via history – or via media player…..she tearfully called sister Zoë & said yan is sick, looking at porno filth, etc etc.

Mark (bro in law), said oh watch out he was a victim of paedophilia so he might be a paedophile! Great! Vix’s worst fear!!! And it was me – coz I’d visited some porno sites (none at all about shit like that – more teen stuff and some bondage etc) yet some titles seemed ‘suspect’ to vix…which is fair enough….’babysitter rapes niece’ or ‘dad fucks his young daughter’ or some similar fucked up porno titles (cuz dunno if anyone else has noticed but ‘dads’ always seem about 25 – 30 & ‘daughters’ seem about 18-24. well the ones I watched, I knew these were all staged…..and the titles lie. I guess I do see the poinbt tho, if u don’t access porn & just read the titles it could look as if u were ‘dodgy’! so I don’t blame vix for being worried!!!) (I chose, sometimes, titles like that cuz I knew they would have youngish – teen – girls in them and that’s often what I like & that they really wouldn’t be paed stuff. Shit if it was id turn off as im not into that at all. It does sicken me that innocence could be taken away so easily – scum!). I felt betrayed cuz I’ve never seen any child porn, and never ever want to! Id told mark that id been abused & he used this – seemingly to fuck our relationship up – without any fucking proof!

I found it such a shitty situation, well I still like porn but vix took the keyboard away – well I cant blame her cuz I would continue to access porn. Cuz I know that I’m not accessing nasty shit i.e. paedophilia or bestiality or anything like that…yeah some simulated tho obv staged rapes, some bondage, but mostly teens & lesbians….fucking hell, what a nightmare telling people about being abused can be!

Currently, without internet connexion I asked a friend to download Czech streets for me – where a few guys go around Prague with a video camera, meeting really pretty girls offering them money to show them their breasts. And many say no, many say yes though…and a few – at least one per episode – of which there are about 30, actually end up having sex with the video guy. I like it cuz it seems real, like it isn’t staged and it appears genuine…like they did meet these people, it makes me wonder what girls would get up to in the local city centre if you caught them feeling just a bit randy…ho ho ho – though I don’t have enough money to attract them and/or the age now to attempt it – or the fuckinmg nerve, unless I was drunk I guess but who’d want a drunken git letching after thyem? Not me! Unless she was really fit lolz.

Enough about this sexy stuff! And onto the sex pistols! Lol, terrible link I know but time for me to talk about punk rock – even though I’m currently listening to David Bowie….diamond dogs, still he did inspire many many punks!